By Kathy LaTour

You have just returned home after hearing words such as “malignant‚ cancer‚ surgery‚ chemotherapy‚ oncologist.” Your head is swimming with the implications of what it means for your life or how you will fit cancer into a life that is already busy—or how you will make the call to the loved one who is waiting to hear.

The house you left now has an uninvited guest living in every room and every corner. And it’s not even you who has cancer—it’s your spouse or your child‚ your mother‚ father‚ sister‚ or brother. Neither of you has spoken on the way home‚ lost in your own questions and lack of answers. But you both sense life has changed and nothing will ever be the same.

Ray and Peggy Hill made that difficult trip home in 1997 after hearing that Peggy had stage IIIC ovarian cancer. She immediately wanted to change her life to spend more time with her husband‚ Ray.

“I wanted to do everything I could to be together. I didnœt know how long I would live. I wanted to enjoy every minute‚ and I wanted him to be with me.”
She became frustrated and angry when Ray refused to change their lives because‚ they realized later‚ that would be an admission on his part that they wouldn’t be able to do those things in the future. “I got very upset and yelled and screamed that I wanted him to stop doing yard work and come play.”

Eventually Peggy Hill began seeing a psychologist who helped her understand that everyone has to cope with a cancer diagnosis in his or her own way‚ and living with cancer will not immediately make a family communicate differently. She decided that she would do the things that were important to her with or without her husband. So she went and played with their grandchildren. At the same time‚ he was changing and resolving the situation in his own way.

Hill says her husband‚ whom she describes as being raised in a family where there was no hugging or comforting‚ did respond in his own way to her needs. “I don’t know what he did. He was incredible. From day one‚ it was‚ ‘You will not be alone.’ He didn’t talk about it. He just did it.”

Reverend Jann Aldredge-Clanton‚ PhD‚ chaplain coordinator in oncology at Baylor Health Care System in Dallas‚ Texas‚ says that the issues of cancer are grief issues and‚ just as we all grieve differently‚ we all cope with cancer differently. After 14 years of working with cancer patients‚ as well as writing the book Counseling People with Cancer‚ Rev. Aldredge-Clanton says that there are some patterns she sees repeatedly. Primarily‚ there is an expectation that a cancer diagnosis will immediately strengthen a family’s communication skills that might not have existed before.

“Many times feelings get hurt‚” she says. “The expectation is that with the cancer diagnosis someone will communicate better than they did. A woman with breast cancer thinks her husband will be able to talk with her when he couldn’t before.”

Rev. Aldredge-Clanton often sees the family member who is the most communicative first‚ whether itœs the person with cancer or the spouse or a child. When possible‚ she will encourage the other family members to come with this person.

Guilt‚ anger‚ and fear are all part of the process‚ she stresses. “Family members feel helpless‚ and they feel guilty because they are torn. If they work‚ they feel guilty when they aren’t home and guilty when they aren’t at work.”
Timing creates a number of conflicts as the family begins to deal with treatment and prognosis.

“Fears can come from the patients at the beginning‚ and then they get very task oriented and the fears don’t hit again until treatment is over. But the family might be afraid through the treatment‚ and then relieved after treatment‚ expecting the patient to be over the fear as well. Or the family member might be task oriented through treatment because the one with cancer can’t function.”

Hill’s five children were ages 22 to 38. Her oldest‚ a daughter‚ lived far away and “cracked the whip over her two brothers” who still lived close‚ Hill says.
“The youngest was away from home and couldn’t come home‚” Hill says. “He just couldn’t face it. The second oldest wasn’t together enough to face it.”

Rev. Aldredge-Clanton says the best advice for helping a loved one is to be present both physically and emotionally. “Don’t try to take the grief away‚” she says. “Listen and just repeat what they say without trying to fix or reassure. Just sit in the room even when there are no words.”

Get counseling‚ she adds. Find those who have been there before you through support groups or other cancer outreach programs.

“It’s still such a taboo in our culture to seek counseling because we have this ‘Pull yourself up by your bootstraps attitude‚’ and men are socialized that counseling is seen as weakness. Some religious groups even give people the idea that if they have enough faith‚ they won’t need counseling. Fear and faith can coexist.“

Rev. Aldredge-Clanton says the most important thing is to understand that cancer is a life-changing experience. It is normal to have fear‚ grief‚ and anger.

“It doesn’t mean that along the way there isn’t gratitude and joy. If you allow yourself to experience the depth of feelings‚ there is more capacity to experience the highs. Emotions are not good or bad or right or wrong. They are your own and they are legitimate.”