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BY SUZANNE LINDLEY | MAY 16, 2012
I stepped outside on May 1st and couldn't see any of the horses. As I walked down the fence line, I noticed that the geldings were hanging out in the barn. I didn't think much about it as I scanned the pasture for the mares. Nearing the end of our property I could see that they were standing in the far back corner. Lucy was close to the fence and after a minute or two, I realized that her leg was caught and I could also see a still brown and white form at her feet. I felt a lump form in my throat as I realized that the neighbor's dog must have been chasing her. I assumed she had kicked out at him and connected. I ran back to the garage and grabbed the wire cutters and a shovel; my heart racing. My first task would be to get Lucy's foot loose. I didn't allow myself to think about the poor dog. Home alone, I could only hope that my new mare would remain calm. I called Ronnie and asked him to check on me in a few minutes. I reached Lucy and marveled at how the other mares were standing quietly around her, especially since she had only been a part of the herd for a few short weeks. I worked quickly and calmly to free her leg, cutting wires and pushing back the fence. I patted her shoulder and felt relief that there wasn't a spot on her and was grateful, but surprised, that the other mares kept the dogs back. I was thankful for their help. I reached for the shovel, dreading my next task. I had not allowed myself to look in that direction. Turning, I was greeted by one of the most incredible sights of my life. The lifeless form I expected to see was not that of a dog but instead the most elegant and beautiful filly I have ever laid eyes on. She was no longer laying in a heap, but standing on wobbly legs making her way to Lucy's side. What I would give to have seen the look on my own face!!! A vet checked Lucy as healthy, and slightly overweight, but not pregnant just weeks before. The now eagerly nursing foal proved that doctor wrong...and was quite a shock for me!
The baby nuzzled at her mom who let out a calming whinny. Joyful tears began to stream as I watched Lucy and her little bundle of joy.
Life is........ full of surprises! and mine just happens to be an "Elegant May Surprise!"
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BY SUZANNE LINDLEY | APRIL 24, 2012
It has been four weeks since my last chemo treatment. Four weeks have passed since the wreck. There has been time during these weeks for reflection, healing, and even anticipation.
In this month my ribs have become less painful, we replaced the Suburban, weathered a tornado less than 20 miles away, steered clear of all hospitals, clinics, and chemo chairs, bought a new horse for Karlie, watched her practice with the Ghostriders, snapped pictures in the bluebonnets, had dinner with Ron, attended a wedding, and lost a dear friend. The gift of NOW has been present in every moment of the chaotic calm that this short treatment vacation has offered. Tiny miracles sandwiched themselves in between bigger miracles. They have painted the picture of a very full and incredible life.
There have been lunches with Katie and weekends together when Karlie comes home. With Chloe, we have visited a wonderland of creativity. Through her eyes, everything is beautiful and exciting and new. The crispness of the morning fading into the warmth of the afternoon has invited picnics, yard work, and quiet walks. We hiked together through the woods one afternoon and as the shade met the sunshine a breathtaking cascade of butterflies surrounded us. Chloe stopped in astonishment, and as a yellow winged beauty landed on her arm, exclaimed, "We have our very own enchanted forest!"
And so we do.....a wondrous escape from the world of cancer; a place to create dreams and capture hope in our own backyard.
Where do you search for hope and embrace your dreams?
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BY SUZANNE LINDLEY | MARCH 26, 2012
This has been a magical morning.
Chloe and I played outside before playschool today. We stood by the fence and waited patiently for the horses to wander over. Magic whinnied and Chloe chattered and cooed to her. She held out her hand with a treat and laughed infectiously as the little mare took it from her hand. One by one the horses came to greet her and with each treat fed, more giggles filled the air. They were as happy to see her as she was them. Her smile was from ear to ear. It was a morning full of joy and simple memories that she we will forever carry...little things that mean so much.
In some ways it is a normal morning; in others far from it. I don't take for granted all that has happened to give me - and Chloe - these simple, treasured times. Today, however, I feel especially grateful. I have two broken ribs and a fractured sternum that tells me I am lucky to be alive. They are a reminder that life often changes in the blink of an eye and that cancer is not always the cause.
Last Tuesday night, we were driving back from the airport as the sound of colliding metal and the jolt of impact transformed our peaceful trip home into a nightmare of change. The next few hours disappeared in a blur with paramedics, policemen and firemen working tirelessly to contain the accident scene and to help other injured passengers. I asked one of the paramedics if everyone would survive and his response chills me even now, "Accidents happen and people die every day; be thankful you are alive."
I am thankful every minute of every day to be borrowing more time. Cancer is just one of the life changes that has given me the clarity to appreciate the things that we often take for granted. Family and friends, horsie whiskers, little heart-blown kisses, morning giggles, birds chirping and the sun shining are just some of the wonders I'm cherishing today.
Tell me, what wonder will you cherish today?
Suzanne
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BY SUZANNE LINDLEY | MARCH 20, 2012
I acted on the lessons I learned while on Capitol Hill and began to increasingly share my story AND follow up. I soon began what I term loosely as stalking both my senators and my representative. Funding for cancer research, screening and early detection for colon cancer, as well as continued Medicare coverage for brachytherapy (which includes radioembolization, or Sir-spheres) became my mantras. I emailed, wrote and faxed my legislators and the White House.
Later in 2006, my advocacy horizon expanded. I joined the National Coalition for Cancer Survivorship (canceradvocacy.org) and discovered the importance of care plans. It was also the first time that I met Kathy LaTour and had the opportunity to hear her speak. Later I went back to Washington, D.C. one more time for Celebration on the Hill with the American Cancer Society (cancer.org). I met Carlea Bauman, the new executive director of Fight Colorectal Cancer (fightcolorectalcancer.org) and Jim Wetekam that trip while visiting with Dusty. Sen. John Cornyn's office arranged a West Wing tour for me. I also got to meet Vice President Dick Cheney and remind him that "to win the war on cancer, we must fund the war on cancer."
So when I came back to Call on Congress in 2007 with Fight Colorectal Cancer, I felt like an old pro. Better yet, I was meeting with other seasoned advocates and new ones were joining, too. That year we remembered Rebecca Dague and I got to meet Sue Weiler and personally thank her for sharing Shelly and his hope with me. From the opening serenade of Jim and Dusty, to sisters that were embroiled in the colon cancer battle, to the hills of Tennessee, the "no shrinking violet" of Erika from Colorado, to the "I'm still here" of Lisa Dubow, the "Make Em Cry" of Rob, the "I'll be Back" of Pam, to the magical Marilia who I had never expected to meet in person; together our voices were all making a difference loud and clear. I had no doubt because just a short year ago I had never expected to be in the same room with my senators much less meet the vice president. There was nothing quite as wonderful as seeing the pride on Carlea and Joe's faces that year. There was no questioning our job had been well done!
I continued pounding the pavement back at home. Gov. Rick Perry declared March Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month in Texas. My representative started avoiding grocery stores where I shopped. And later that year, I testified before Congress with NCCS for the first time about the importance of care plans.
When I came to the call in 2008, it was bittersweet. I was really not in shape to be at Call on Congress. I was an emotional mess, having just endured a blockage and feeling as though cancer was once again gaining momentum. But I still hopped a plane to D.C. because I was determined more than ever, knowing that in 2009 I would not likely be alive, to make an impact. Rep. Jeb Hensarling recognized me into the Congressional Record for my work on Cover Your Butt, American Cancer Society, and YES! ... thanks in part to a dear friend, Kathy Baker. During the training, I looked around each table and suddenly realized that there wasn't a single person in the room who hadn't touched my life in some very profound way. Call on Congress held me together. Stirring up just a little bit of memorable, but fun trouble, Marilia and I turned the Cover Your Butt campaign into the Cover Your A** campaign at the closing dinner!
Wouldn't you know, I did make it back again in 2009.
And again in 2010. In February, I had the opportunity to testify before House, Energy, and Commerce about radiation safety issues. It was a humbling, emotional and important opportunity. I'm thankful that Access to Medical Imaging Coalition (rightscanrighttime.org) paved the path for me to be there.
Next, I spent another amazing week in D.C. at Call on Congress among friends and fellow survivors advocating for the prevention, early detection and treatment of colon cancer. I felt like it was a huge year for Fight Colorectal Cancer and one of the highlights for me was being recognized, thanks to Fight CRC in the Congressional Record, by Rep. Kay Granger along with Sue Weiler and Judi Sohn.
There was so much progress at Call on Congress I extended my stay for an additional two days. One of the days I again lobbied for continued Medicare coverage for brachytherapy and the other was to watch as Sen. Kay Hutchison renewed the war on cancer with Sen. Ted Kennedy. His health was failing at the time. Meeting him was an honor and one of the most meaningful handshakes of my life. I was humbled that Sen. Hutchison wore my LIVESTRONG band and mentioned me not once, but twice, in her address.
In 2011, YES (beatlivertumors.org) held it's first Congressional Briefing and 120 legislative visits later congressional offices knew the issues surrounding the surveillance, prevention and treatment of liver tumors.
Sadly, I missed Call on Congress a few weeks later and instead was grounded by a blood clot. It was difficult to remember that I had to put the oxygen mask on myself first ... but another important lesson that advocacy doesn't always happen on "the Hill." Self advocacy bears great weight, too!
Stay tuned for 2012!
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BY SUZANNE LINDLEY | MARCH 14, 2012
Most of my life I wasn't even aware that colorectal cancer existed. At 31, that innocence vanished and with it began my journey into the world of stage 4 colon cancer. Only one chemotherapy existed then and it wasn't expected to do much good. I was fortunate to find the ACOR (ACOR.org) listserv and another survivor, Shelly Weiler, who encouraged me to begin treatment. I did. I have since benefited from the research that was rampant for colon cancer. New drugs were developed and I received them first as single agents (one at a time) and then in the varying combinations that are used today. My tumors were responsive and slow growing at first.
Research stagnated and my luck changed as the tumors in my liver began to grow uncontrollably. It seemed that nothing could stop them and we were fortunate to find out about radioembolization, or SIR-Spheres, which shrunk my tumors and allowed me to begin systemic therapy once again. Friends knew of my journey and I began to hear about the power of advocacy. Timid and quiet, it was foreign to me. But as I watched others making creating change I felt like I should, too.
In 2006, I joined One Voice Against Cancer to take colorectal cancer awareness to Capitol Hill for the first time and at the same time discovered Fight Colorectal Cancer (fightcolorectalcancer.org). I was terrified that trip and spent much of the training in tears. There were other wonderful Texans that took me under their wing, though, and helped me to share my story. I had the opportunity to meet my representative during that trip, Jeb Hensarling, and to share that I was able to stand on the Capitol steps and walk into his office because of research. I told him I wanted to watch my daughters grow up and that without more research, I wouldn't be able to do that. When I left, I knew my words had made an impact.
Our stories make a difference. No one should experience the helplessness and hopelessness of colorectal cancer. It is preventable, treatable and beatable. Taking action is easy: fightcolorectalcancer.org/policy/take_action_this_march. My story makes a difference. Your story can make a difference, too.
So I challenge you - be the difference!
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BY SUZANNE LINDLEY | MARCH 5, 2012
Though I talk about colon cancer awareness every day, March is nationally recognized as Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month and today is a special day. It has become known as "Dress in Blue Day." It is a theme originated by colon cancer survivor and patient advocate, Anita Mitchell, and has now gained momentum and is supported around the country.
It's exciting to see the progress and the difference that one person can make and how working together can not only change lives, but save lives! With her simple idea, people everywhere are dressing in blue and raising awareness for a cancer that can be "preventable, treatable and beatable" and yet remains the second leading cause of cancer deaths in the nation.
Wear blue and tell your friends and family why. If you are age 50 or older, have a personal or family history of colon cancer, or have any warning signs please don't just talk to your doctor about a colonoscopy, have one! Don't wait!
I'm wearing blue, are you?
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BY SUZANNE LINDLEY | MARCH 2, 2012
I had the luxury of spending Oscar week in a flurry of activity and pre-Academy Awards events. Debbie Durkin's ECO Oscar gifting lounge was my first stop. YES hosted an exhibit and was able to deLIVER Hope to celebrities and guests who attended.
We talked about liver tumors and the information, resources and support that YES! Beat Liver Tumors offers and the fact that it is possible to live with, and not die from cancer. Cancer touches everyone and at each event I have been humbled, inspired and sometimes saddened by the myriad of cancer stories that are shared.
I was also able to shadow Pam Schmid at the prestigious Multicultural Motion Picture Awards luncheon. Pam and I became close friends several years ago at a LIVESTRONG Summit and I have been fortunate to live vicariously through some of her accomplishments. This was one.
We arrived at the beautiful Sofitel Hotel in Beverly Hills and proceeded upstairs where we were ushered into a VIP line and then into the ballroom where the step and repeat and red carpet were being held. There were cameras and press three people deep. I felt claustrophobic while Pam was in her element. She was immediately surrounded for interviews and then whisked onto the red carpet, where she talked about her book and posed for the crowd of media.
Her book "101 Things You Should Know About Breast Cancer" has received high acclaim from experts, survivors and the lay public. It possesses a unique combination of facts and information that are woven together with story, bringing the information to life and giving direction to anyone who's life has been, or will be touched by cancer. You can find out more about her book or purchase a copy at PamSchmid.com.
Pam and I joined invited guests for the afternoon including 2012 Oscar Nominees Viola Davis & Octavia Spencer, Academy Award Winner Louis Gossett Jr., Academy Award Nominee Sally Kirkland, Actress Bai Ling, Producer Elaina Archer, Actress/Acting coach Bobbie Chance, Photographer/Filmmaker Kami Zargham McAdam and many 2012 Oscar Nominees and various celebrities that were on hand to support the young upcoming student filmmakers.
It was quite an honor to attend and heartwarming to see the impact that Pam made on all those present. No one could get enough of her story. She has met the challenge of metastatic breast cancer head on and given back each step of the way. Her journey with cancer and her desire to help others is nothing short of amazing. She inspires me to do more, to not give up and to make a difference. Thank you, Pam!!!
Next stop: Night of 100 Stars
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BY SUZANNE LINDLEY | FEBRUARY 14, 2012
The day is winding down and I hope that all of you have had a wonderful day!
It has been a quiet day here, but nice in so many ways. Chloe climbed up in bed with us during the middle of the night. She woke up saying "happy sweetheart day" and it was so much fun helping put her Valentine's day bags and cards together. She hasn't yet mastered how to spell her name but gave it a big attempt. All of them included little lopsided hearts she drew :)
Before cancer I never doubted that I would be here for each every milestone my children accomplished. After my diagnosis, I fully realized that tomorrow is never promised. Being here today is a definite victory to celebrate. I have been so lucky to watch my older daughters transform into beautiful young ladies and so very happy to watch Chloe as she grows from curious toddle into confident pre-schooler.
At times I think my family has been unfazed by this dreadful disease, knowing that we have dealt with cancer as normally and positively as possible. At other times, the gravity shows and I realize how much depth and breadth colon cancer has had in shaping their lives. They are more sympathetic, empathetic, and mature than many others that are their age. No holidays, even self made, are taken for granted.
Today is magical ... a picture of hope in rose petals sent before sunrise by Karlie, a beautiful card and a clean kitchen from Katie, chocolate kisses from Chloe. Dinner out with Ronnie ... and built in babysitters :) We are living NOW and that is a great gift. And right now ... love is in the air!
Happy Valentine's Day!
Suzanne
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BY SUZANNE LINDLEY | FEBRUARY 7, 2012
Ever hear of trail mix? Those of you who know me know that it is one of my favorite snacks; especially the kind with lots of chocolate!! The simple snack is a combination of dried fruit, nuts and chocolate. It was made as a quick treat to be taken along on the trail. I pick through my trail mix and really enjoy some of it and then there are some pieces that I don't like (the raisins) just get left in the bag.
Those of you who don't know me have probably near heard scans results and trail mix mentioned in the same sentence. You may have never before considered the similarities ... that with both there can be bits that are really, really good and other random pieces that are easier not to digest. Once again I'm experiencing a "trail mix" kind of scan. A few of the tiny tumors in my lungs have disappeared. One of the larger tumors continues to show stability. These are both reasons for celebration. Areas in my spine light up and one lung lesion showed a growth spurt. In spite of lights and spurts, this a positive scan for me with more chocolate than raisins! So, just like with trail mix I'm going to enjoy the good stuff.
Thanks to all of you - my friends who have sent prayers and thoughts, emails and phone calls. I'm sending all the good stuff in this mix of life back to you - continued HOPE for good scans, great procedures, easy recoveries, many magical moments and wonderful memories ahead.
Enjoy a happy day today!
Suzanne
Suzanne Lindley has been living with metastatic colorectal cancer since 1998. She is the founder of YES! Beat Liver Tumors, an organization for individuals living with metastatic liver tumors, and an advocate for Fight Colorectal Cancer. She is also a regular guest blogger for CURE.
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BY SUZANNE LINDLEY | JANUARY 17, 2012
Waiting ... more waiting.
The cushion of silence envelops all those waiting in this room marred only by the intrusion of names called, the sound of pens on paper filling out forms, a low buzz from the vending machines. There is solace in the quiet, and as I look around I wonder about all of those who are sharing this room, seeking refuge in months-old magazines and the steady ticking of time; the hushed whisper of communication barely audible. Ronnie is knee deep into a magazine. I check the date. February, 2010. No wonder it looks faded.
What brings the others to this room? My mind wanders. I spend my waiting time trying to guess. For some, there is no question. Others aren't so clear. An older gentleman and his wife. Without the tell-tale bracelet I would have never known which was the patient. They aren't smiling nor are they talking. Is it cancer? Or some other malady? They are called back, and I'll never know. An entire family surrounds a young woman in a wheelchair with a cast that encompasses the length of her leg. Another family enters and breaks the silence. The kids bounce about and there is a fit of coughing. Happily, there is a young mom-to-be with her husband by her side. They are smiling, about to embark on a journey of their own that brings back a flood of joyous memories. Their wait will end and begin with miracles.
The waiting room is difficult for me today. Time is almost standing still. I'm ready to be done with this part of my day and to go home to normal. The normal for my family that is normal to no others and yet so many others. My name is finally called, and I begin to focus on my own reason for being here. Simple enough. Ronnie squeezes my hand. He can sense my mood without sharing a syllable. This has become routine - another normal - in so many ways. We have a balance, and he somehow knows when talking will bring me to tears and silence will provide unspoken comfort. So, true to form, he sits by my side and offers what brings me that peace: a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold and the reassurance of knowing that he's beside me.
A stent replacement is no longer considered a battle. It's just a part of the journey. The list of what ifs that have forced me to sign on the bottom line barely make us blink. There is much more in the balance than what now seems like the improbable possibilities of a procedure like this. But for some reason I'm overly emotional. Will speakingmy fears make them come true? Will whispering my hopes convince the world to share my optimism
Somewhere, someday I'll discover why my mind doesn't always let me talk in a waiting room, even when I know that just writing the words or speaking them aloud won't change anything. Until then I will be thankful for that squeeze of the hand and be content with the quiet comfort of togetherness and the cushion of silence.
Suzanne Lindley has been living with metastatic colorectal cancer since 1998. She is the founder of YES! Beat Liver Tumors, an organization for individuals living with metastatic liver tumors, and an advocate for Fight Colorectal Cancer. She is also a regular guest blogger for CURE.
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