It's only been a few days but it feels like it's been forever. Haven't been able to get to write and boy am I feeling empty. The support from online caregivers is immensely important. I'm sitting here waiting for the pulmonologist to call with test results so I can make arrangements with the surgeon for a consult to make arrangements for surgery before he goes on vacation - I really don't expect my husband to deal with all this. It's very painful for him. But it's awfully painful for me too. Waiting for bad news. Waiting for calls. Waiting for the insurance company. Oh, if only it all went smoothly and I could get all the work done without feeling there was something I didn't do - a feeling that constantly nags me. I am also a member of Gilda's Club and do journaling on their site. When I try to contact the other members of the community I belong to, they strangely have private profiles. I understand it, really, but it's very frustrating to want to talk to someone directly and share when they don't reply. I guess I'm feeling frustrated a lot. There are constant complaints coming at me and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't fix it. I'm not the surgeon. I can't say it will all be alright because my husband would know it might not be alright. This is the second go round for lung cancer surgery. The "Will you hate me if I don't have the surgery" questions and the "Remember I love you even if I jump out the window." This is really hard stuff to take. Especially when I know he's serious. I honestly feel surgery is the right thing to do here. I also know that physical therapy to build up his lung function after surgery is going to be very important and that I'm going to have to be on his case all the time not to be lazy and to do the work. What can I say. Like most caregivers, I have no one who I can expect to listen. I don't want to "dump" on everyone close to me because when I really need them, I don't want them to be worn out. This online community is the best place to be heard. It is definitely the best place to dump a lot of feelings. Just putting this all down makes me feel so much better. Ah well...on with the rest of the day.