I want to thank you for your input - what I didn't say before that I HAD said in my first post, was that my mother in law is 90 and has gone through two 6 month chemo protocols herself. She lived with us for 9 months the first time and now 10 months so far. More to come. I'm doing the best I can and this is really helping. Thanks again.

Thanks for the advice about the nausea (the stematil suppository)- I will look into that for my mom. At this point, we will try anything that might help. She has tried ginger before, such as ginger tea (from the ginger root or powder), but we can get capsules, too, maybe.

AppleYellow- I, too, appreciate the term "compassion fatigue," at least it gives me a term to label my recent feelings- exhaustion, guilt, sadness, etc... I try to remember that I cannot take of others if I am not also taking care of myself. I know, easier said than done, but we are all human and can only handle so much at one time and we need a breather once in a while or just a change to make it easier on ourselves. I have lived with my in-laws before, so I know how that can be so hard- mine can be demanding and right in the middle of our lives as well. It sounds like as long as she has help at home from a hired caregiver or CNA, then maybe it would be good for her to go home for a while and give you and your husband a break. Maybe if you make it a point to call her at the same time every day she will still feel connected and you can go visit her once in a while. It is so hard for me to be going through this with just one family member, I can't imagine if my husband was sick, too. I feel for you!

Thank you for your kind words. The internal fight of being polite and needing to be alone is the hardest for me. It adds to the fear. Re: in laws. She's a clingy Jewish mother. Enough said. She's 91 and has her own cancers. Oy! Re: nausea - there are wonderful ginger candies from "The Ginger People" who also make grated and sliced ginger. Fresh sliced ginger from the Japanese restaurant can also be wonderful. Tea may be too weak. There are several different anti-nausea suppositories that work quite well. There are also anti nausea shots - easily self-administered, like insulin. There is comfort in giving others in my position some info that might help. Re: husband and I geting a break. We live in NYC and may have to go to Boston for a few weeks. One week for surgery and one for tests. We'll get away then. Wonderful!

When my 33 year old mother of five daughter had her double mastectomy I became her caregiver full time when her husband left the home. I took off two months from my full time job to care for her and the children.

There was so much to do and so many places to go with the children: drives to and from school, parties, doctors appointments, meals to make, etc that I had no time for myself at all.

People called all the time to check on her and occassionally I would be asked how are you, but the majority of comments were something like she is so lucky to have you there, what would she do w/o you?

I had no idea just how surpressed my emotions were until one day my daughter said something that opened up the flood gate of tears. Because I never explained to anyone the paralyizing terrorizing fear of losing my daughter I had (because I did not recognize it) once the gates were open there was no stopping the flow of tears. From that experience I have learned to ask all caregivers, "how are You doing" seeing the good the qsuestions does is amazing.

Currently my mom is dying from lung cancer that has traveled to the brain and I make it a point to ask my sister how she is doing as my mom's caregiver. Mom wanted to live her remaining time at my sister's house and it has been good for her. Since I walked in my sister's shoes prior to this I understand the importance of asking that simple question as well as support for the caregiver. May God coninue to send "His" blessings on all caregivers everywhere.

I learned the hard way, but not too late, to ask for help. I was taking care of my sister who had Acute Misogynous Leukemia, working part time, going to school, taking my niece to day care, doing the cooking, shopping, clothes washing, cleaning, watering the plants, feeding the cat and birds, (one day I came home and the cat had eaten the birds), dealing with my sisters private practice and her office, etc... Two weeks before my sister died, I was hospitalized with a collapsed lung. When my sister died, I was told by the Leukemia Society that they could no longer help. I was at the lowest point in my life. What kept me going was I knew that I was there and had done the best I could and I believed I was a good person. My life could only go in one direction from there, better. In order to be a caregiver, I learned the hard way that I needed to take care of myself first. In order to give out of my generosity, I needed to feel good about myself, others, and the situation. Giving under guilt, obligation, pressure, expectations are what leads to burn out and "compassion fatigue." It is self destructive to give under those conditions. The ones we give to only know their own pain and needs. We damage them when we damage ourselves in both the emotional world and the physical world. Now 30 years later, I facilitate a caregiver support group for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Each of us is the CEO of our life. Everyone else are subject matter experts. Use them professionally. Our mental health and our physical health is a business, not a game. I have found that not sacrificing and following my passions has given me the energy, resources and the compassion to continue to give. My life is on bonus years. In my day job I help the military men and women who have demobilized return to the community. It seems that it doesn't matter what the cause of the trauma or loss is, TBI, PTSD, Cancer, AIDS, an IED, resilience is the same. It's our ability to maintain having secure thoughts over fearful thoughts during a crisis. Al Schafer MSW