I want to thank the author of this article. Right now I am waiting for an appointment at UCDAVIS so that I can get tests to determine if a nodule in my lung is cancerous or benign. So essentially I am "waiting" in order to "wait" for a diagnosis. I am a non-smoker and not yet 50 so a lung cancer diagnosis was not something I was ever expecting. I do have cancer history in my family but not for lung cancer. Needless to say for the last 3 days I have been kind of frozen in time. I am thinking a lot about what I want to do if I'm given options. But I know that until an oncologist says the words "you have cancer" I will not be sure of how I feel. I may just accept it matter of factly or I may lose it. Hard to say. I consider myself a realist and a pragmatist. With my family background cancer is not a shock to me and I did have a breast cancer scare several years ago plus my husband is a breast cancer survivor who underwent a radical mastectomy. My health has not been great and I lost part of my colon a few years back so hospitals and surgeries and generally hearing the worst news is nothing new to me. But still I don't know how its going to land when I do finally get my results. Its difficult to just get on with things. I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand and seeing my family struggling with the possibility that I might lose my life to cancer is hard on everyone. I have a friend who is fighting pancreatic cancer for a second time. She is desperate for another remission. She loves her family and isn't ready to die. I look at how everything is turned upside down and don't know if I will feel like she does if I "beat this" just to have it come back again! I know I don't have any doubts about my faith in God or about the science that may be used to cure me-if I choose that route. I am ok with the future. I have a great husband and great kids that are mostly grown. I have done a lot of cool stuff and seen a lot of the world. I have been blessed in many ways and have also experienced a ton of loss and other negative things in my life. It's not been the stuff of dreams or perfection but it was the best life I was able to live with what I was given and I can't change anything and maybe I shouldn't try. I am not an overly emotional or sentimental person but again, maybe that will change. Its the unknowns that are driving me bonkers. But again, no one is guaranteed a future. We can only make the most of what we have today. We just lost First Lady Barbara Bush when everyone was certain her husband President Bush was going to die first because he is always so frail and ill but instead he was the one to say goodbye to his wife of 7 decades. You just don't know what's going to happen. So thinking about it that way, its hard to worry about a diagnosis or a future that is neither here in this moment or guaranteed in the next moment.
So that's my take on all this. Hope this helps someone. It was a blessing to get to discuss this with you all.
God Bless Mary M.
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