If, Not When

Started by anonymous, May 01, 2015
27 replies for this topic
anonymous

N/A
N/A
Posted on
May 01, 2015
I'm going to knock on wood before I post this (really). That's what I do. I knock on wood. I comment that I don't believe in God, but I do believe in knocking on wood. By that, I mean that I do not believe God does stuff to us, gives us cancer or takes it away. I wasn't given this. I got this. But for some reason, knocking on wood just makes me feel better.

I do want to talk about the concept of 'if, not when.' So I'm going to knock on some wood before I type this to keep the evil eye of cancer away. Wouldn't it suck for me to say that I'm doing well, and then the cancer came back?  Knocking on wood here.

So back to 'if, not when.' When I visit my oncologist, her patter includes the concept of "when the treatment stops working." Now I understand that her experience has been that her metastatic breast cancer patients' disease eventually learns the treatment and the cancer progresses. But it wasn't until recently that I realized how her constant talk of 'when' was affecting me. It was bumming me out.

'The Land of When' has me thinking ahead to the day when the cancer will progress — how that will result in my disability, my job loss, my eventual pain-filled death. In the 'Land of When,' I am afraid to make plans, I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, and I watch and wait in fear. I am tired of living in the 'Land of When.'

Sadly, I don't think doctors realize how much what they say affects a patient. People can live and die on a doctor's word, demeanor, approach.  My oncologist certainly does not mean to harm. Instead, I think she is trying to help. I often joke that she is like the parent who doesn't want her child to be disappointed. "Honey," I could hear her saying, "I know you really like that boy. But he might not like you, so don't get your hopes up."

But my question is: What is wrong with getting my hopes up? What is wrong with expecting the unexpected?  What if I'm that very rare patient whose cancer doesn't progress or stops progressing? What if, 10 years from now, I am still taking Kadcyla and the cancer has remained in check (knock on wood)? And what if I live those 10 years in constant fear and panic?

That would suck. 

I don't want live in the 'Land of When.' That's like living in purgatory, and I hear from the Catholics that that's not a pleasant place. I want to live in the 'Land of If' instead. A land where wonder if the cancer progresses ... if I am disabled ... if.

That's the land that most people live in. Most people don't go through the day thinking: I will be disabled, I will be in pain, I will suffer.

What can it hurt for me to live in the 'Land of If' too? I might be disappointed if the cancer progresses. I'd rather experience disappointment if the cancer progresses, than experience the disappointing expectation of death every day of my life. Even if I only live 30 more days, living in the 'Land of If' sounds much more pleasant than living in fear.

So screw the 'Land of When.' Screw the 'Land of Fear.' Screw the 'Land of Pain.' I refuse to live there anymore. I'm moving to the 'Land of If.'  Packing the truck and knocking on wood right now. If. If. If. If.

Now to tell my overprotective oncologist.
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ginger

Member
0 Replies
Posted on
May 07, 2015
Yes you had cancer and I'm glad you're in remission but if YOU HAD READ my post correctly you would have understood that I had asked if you had it. But that has nothing to do with the fact that you're preaching to someone abt how they should be. It's jst simply not right. I believe in God with every fiber of my being but I would never preach to someone else abt how they should believe. You jst seem very defensive and very angry. Also you did not REDIRECT me. Jst let ppl talk abt what they want without putting all the religious talk in it.
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ginger

Member
0 Replies
Posted on
May 07, 2015
My above comment was to Leigh not Susan.
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Leigh

Member
0 Replies
Posted on
May 07, 2015
Ginger, I'm not mad, and yes, I was being defensive, because people were saying things that I had said that I never said. I think I have that right to defend myself against wrongful words. We all do. You asked me if I "had" cancer. Yes, I did, but am now in remission. Whether I'm in remission or not, that's beside the point, because I do know what it's like living with cancer. I've been there. And, please tell me where I was "preaching" in my comments? I have an honest question for you. I'm not trying to be impertinent or sagacious at all, but you said "I would never preach to someone on how they should believe." You said you "believe in God with every fiber of my being". And this is one Christian asking another Christian a simple question. Why did God put us here on earth? What is our purpose here? If you don't want to answer the question, that's obviously your prerogative.
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Dee

Member
0 Replies
Posted on
May 08, 2015
Leigh, To answer your question, where were you preaching in your comments? - Please read your post at 10:35 a.m. That whole rant was preaching. Further, your statement: "You have to know, intellectually, that "knocking on wood" is not going to keep your cancer from coming back". I say to you, praying to your god will not, either. Your posts are smug, self-righteous and offensive, as others have said. Please do not make the non-intelligent mistake of assuming that you are right to inflict your beliefs onto others. Maybe you can answer me this, why do so many "believers" pick and choose what to follow from their bible? I am speaking directly of the writing in the book that says that people are given free will. You are not to judge and you will not make MY choice(s)nor anyone else's. But I see you don't believe in that, right? Shame on you.
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Leigh

Member
0 Replies
Posted on
May 08, 2015
Dee, I would love nothing more than for everyone to be a Christian and to know God. There is no "free will". We do not choose God. He chooses us. He chose us through predestination. If you have freewill, how can God be sovereign over your life? If God has planned your salvation and planned to save you, predetermined to call you, and chose you to before earth existed, how can you still have freewill? How can freewill fit into the framework of God’s sovereignty and God’s predetermination to save us? Just look what God planned for you before the earth even existed: God had planned you even before you were born or before you were in our mother‘s womb (Jer. 1:4). He planned things for you in the future before the earth or time existed (I Cor. 2:7). He had made plans for your life to give you His grace before you were born (Gal 1:15). He chose you and called you to redemption to be saved and be made holy (Eph 1:4). He chose you before your birth to bless you and save you through Christ (Eph. 1:3-4). He planned your adoption prior to your birth (Eph. 1:5). And according to His good pleasure, revealed the secrets things of God to you (Eph.1:9). AND you're right. I won't make your choice, because that's not my job, but it is my job to tell others about Jesus Christ. God has either predestined you to be one of His, in which case I'd be on my hands and knees praying and asking for forgiveness for your sins like I do every day, OR you're one of the unlucky ones who wasn't predestined to be called by God. And if that's the case, then, yes, you should be scared at what is waiting for you when this life is over. What are we here for? What is our purpose in this life? At the end are we going to die and just proof? Disappear? Will we just be gone? Life's over? NO! There is life after this life! A perfect life where sin, sickness, cancer, killings, etc.. are no longer! Who wouldn't want that kind of life?! I know where I'm going when I die. I have no doubt that I will be sitting by God with other believers. And I also know wher no believers will be. I don't know you from Adam, but I do care enough about you to not want your life to end and you not have faith in where you're going. THAT is preaching, and like I said, it's because I would love for everyone to spend eternal life with God, but unfortunately not everyone will. I'm done. Exhausted. Good luck to you and everyone else on here. My intentions were never to offend anyone, but obviously I did. Praying for all of you with metastatic cancer.
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Terri2

Member
0 Replies
Posted on
May 08, 2015
Ssusan I think you are right with drs don't realize how their words affect us. My dr ,4yrs ago said I have matastic bladder cancer and started ssying to keep me comfortable I didnt know what to think so I didnt! Now I think im going to beat this. Today I have a catscan to see if the chemo has worke on my lung but I have more confidence because now he talks about the pateints. That are in their 70's.. Im a shihtzu breeder with many dogs counting on my survival and my last litter we lost the mom but we kept 3 pups to breed with in my next remission. That might be crazy but that is how strong I feel about getting to not thinking about when I will die, b becuase we mattastic cancer patients deserve that!
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