I agree it is not the end. I also think it's like dancing with hip boots on. How to keep step? How to manage to live NOW and not be thinking, when, when when? Ugh. You post a great blog. And, you will manage. I am not at all sure of what helps you most, but please come by if you want to. I do have lots of great play materials for the kiddos... even Zander. Or we can meet for coffee. I guess, in the end, gratitude is still the word. Your ducks are in a row for now. I think, if I read your post closely, there is the feeling of, okay, they SAY this is able to be controlled, but for ...
I wish my doctor knew ME. Mary. The person who smiles and smiles and tries to do it with a good attitude, but really feels as if she is a blob among many blobs. The way the blood pressure monitor sounds, the name and date of birth over and over (and I know that is good safety), the sound of the elevator doors, the waiting for results. How I think about the words that come out of my doctor's mouth and dissect them. How I wish my doctor knew me. And really my doctor is good. I AM grateful, but since you asked, that's what I wish.
Oh yes. It has changed me. I can only catch a glimpse from time to time of the all-too-sure person I used to be. If I did this or that, I would likely be alright. Problems were somewhere else. I am not saying I did not fret, but I had this assurance that, somehow I would live to be very old with Ken and we would fade away together. Whatever made me think that? Why did I not know how much grief there was? Now I know and it has made me a better person, but man the price is high!
Would I go back? Well sure I would. I'd like to be me just having a soy latte and chunking along to what I thought was going to be a full giving back to the world life. Well, I AM better at seeing people, at listening, at paying attention. I have a much clearer sense of the scope of things. I thought I knew that life was not a bubble. How could you be at Eastern and not know that? But. I didn't. I didn't. So, I am grateful for that and for the new treatments coming out! I am grateful for that. I am also grateful to know you.