Ron Cooper writes about the funny and serious sides of cancer. He is the author of “A Grateful Survivor” (Amazon) and blogs at RonCooperAuthor.com. Come along for the ride on his cancer journey!

Ron Cooper

Recently, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and made an accurate prediction for six more weeks of winter. And unfortunately, since then, deadly storms have wreaked havoc on our nation and, sadly, dozens of Americans perished. But something good did come out of this horrific experience: neighbors helped neighbors survive.

For those of us in the cancer community trapped indoors (because of the weather and COVID-19), this presents an opportunity to help in an important way: reach out to neighbors and friends with an encouraging phone call. A warm, friendly voice on the line goes nicely with a delivery of food and water or a warming station to weather the storm.

Looking back to the first few weeks of the pandemic lockdown, folks were calling each other at an unprecedented rate.

In an April 2020 story in the New York Times, Verizon was then processing more calls a day (800 million), doubling that made on Mother’s Day, when every son and daughter in America is using their phone to talk to their mom. Verizon estimated the length of voice calls were up by a jaw-dropping 33% over the average day before the COVID-19 pandemic made us homebound. AT&T also reported off-the-chart numbers of phone calls.

We cancer survivors, while away many hours at home, await the results of scans and blood work. Just think of it, there are at last count approximately 17 million of us. What if we all picked up the phone and called a shut-in resident truly cut off from all communication – especially those who cannot master the intricacies of FaceTime or Skype.

I have one such friend, in her mid-80s, who is at a loss when it comes to the latest technology. So every month, I pick up the phone and call her for a lengthy conversation the old-fashioned way. In 2020, she was hospitalized three times for a persistent pneumonia. But I dwell on more upbeat topics such as her precious grandchildren and the latest news about fellow worshippers at our church.

She is from a generation when phone calls were the gold standard for communication. She was in her 60s when emails became a popular way to keep in touch and in her 70s when texts had already become the rage.

Now, thank goodness, things have gone full circle.

Sure, people still text and email. But I hope people continue to pick up the phone and call after we are fully out of the pandemic. Fingers crossed!

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Call volumes increased to jaw-dropping numbers during the beginning of the pandemic, and this cancer survivor hopes that trend continues even after we are out of the pandemic.

The COVID-19 Pandemic Has Reminded Us All About the Importance of a Phone Call

“Did you hear the one about the cancer procedure that went terribly wrong? It turned out to be a ‘bi-oopsie!’”

“What’s a tumor called at Christmas? A “nod-yule.”

Okay, okay, I own up to writing those silly jokes. With the help of my Gilda’s Club, I’ve launched a brand-new career: A sit-down comedian — ­on Zoom!

You see, Gilda’s Club hosts a “Lunch and Laughs” get-together twice a week, where our goofy gang shares a few jokes to get us through this endless pandemic. I found it to be a good place to warm up for my own stand-up comedy special on Netflix.

Since I’ve been living with prostate cancer for six years, it was about time to poke a little fun at myself. I’m allowed. With cancer, the joke’s on me. Here’s another of my originals:

“What did the urologist say to the baseball player before his prostate exam? Bladder up!”

Had enough? I won’t blame you a bit if you skip to the next article. But if you’re like me, you’re tired of crying a river of tears over your cancer and might want to lighten up some.

What got me started writing cancer jokes? At first, I Googled “prostate cancer jokes” and found tons of gems. I started snickering so hard I almost forgot to get my next PSA blood test. Here are a couple of my early discoveries:

“What does a prostate cancer patient have in common with a basketball player? They both dribble.”

“What’s the worst thing to hear after a prostate exam? A nurse walking in and asking, ‘Who was that guy?’”

“What did the snowman die of? ‘Frostate’ cancer.”

In the first few years after my diagnosis, my sense of humor collapsed under the weight of depression and anxiety. But gradually, as post-surgery treatments took hold and remission set in, my funny bone started to perk back up again.

I nurtured it by binging on standup comedy routines on Netflix and Pluto TV, watching countless silly sitcoms (thanks “SuperStore”) and circling back to my favorite comedians the Marx Brothers to re-watch “Night at the Opera” and “Duck Soup.” I love Groucho’s one-liners!

Then last April, with lockdown in full swing, I joined the “Lunch and Laughs” group at Gilda’s Club. My “audience” has put up with many groaners, including these I found on the internet:

“My dad’s brother is a cancer doctor. He’s an ‘uncologist!’”

“I paid my oncologist big bucks for this hairstyle.”

“Doctor: ‘You have cancer and Alzheimer’s.” "Patient: ‘At least I don’t have cancer.’”

“What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment? ‘Finding chemo.’”

I recall a book title from one of my favorite humorists, Erma Bombeck: “If Life’s a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in The Pits?” That perfectly sums up the cancer experience, with a little tongue-in-cheek humor thrown in for good measure.

No, cancer is not all chuckles, but sometimes we just need to giggle, tee-hee and even chortle to kick off those beneficial endorphins that will help boost our battered immune systems as we line up for our COVID-19 vaccination shots.

By the way, Netflix hasn’t called back yet about my stand-up special. Meanwhile, I’ll be here all week!

“Did you hear the one about the cancer procedure that went terribly wrong?”
“It turned out to be a ‘bi-oopsie!’”

A Cancer Survivor Embraces a New Career as a ‘Sit-Down Comedian’

Valentine’s Day conjures up images of men scurrying around to find chocolates, flowers and cards for their sweethearts. Cupid hovers in the air with bow and arrow at the ready on the day when kisses and hugs reign and couples whisper sweet nothings to one other.

But for some couples, Valentine’s Day signifies a health disaster averted, a life saved. It is the perfect occasion for wives and girlfriends to implore their beloved to get screened for prostate cancer.

“My wife truly saved my life,” a fellow survivor in our prostate support group recently told me. “She’s my angel.”

Another man said, “I probably never would have gotten my screening if my girlfriend hadn’t been so persistent. They caught my cancer early.”

Many men stubbornly neglect their prostate health. Many don’t go to the doctor at all, much less ask their doctor to perform a prostate exam or conduct a PSA test. “I’ll get the exam someday,” they say, to the consternation of the significant others in their lives.

But the significant others in our story stepped up their game and asked husbands and boyfriends to get screened in lieu of candy and flowers. On Valentine’s Day, a day for loving gestures, what man could possibly resist such an earnest request?

I can only imagine how the conversation would have gone:

She: “I don’t want candy and flowers this year, sweetie.”

He: (caught flat-footed) “What did you say, honey?”

She: “I’ve decided. It’s very important. I do want you to go get your prostate exam for Valentine’s Day. Please, darling.”

She: (not backing down) “That’s right. This year let’s do something different, dear. It’s a screening and I want to make sure you’re OK. Please, do this for yourself. Do it for us.”

He: “Well, if it means all that much to you, OK.”

Think about it: How many men out there would ever nag their wives and girlfriends to go for an annual mammogram? That indeed would be rare. Women are generally much more attuned to their bodies and more attentive to good health compared to men.

Also, most women that I know are an open book when it comes to discussing their health and the need for cancer screenings. We men, often stoic about such matters, could learn a thing or two from them.

I know a cancer advocate who works tirelessly to educate men about the need for prostate screening. Her organization even sponsors a fishing trip where men can enjoy themselves while getting a soft sell on the need for this essential screening. She confided in me that she was having trouble recruiting men to go on the outing, even though all expenses were paid.

When it comes to our health, we men need to listen to the women in our lives. They know what’s best for us. And when it comes to things like cancer, the stakes could not be any greater.

So, Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone. Let’s hear it for cancer screenings!

Instead of buying your sweetheart chocolates for Valentine’s Day this year, one cancer survivor suggests people get screened as a gift to their significant other. 

A Valentine’s Day Miracle for Cancer Survivors

I just got some joyful news: My first COVID-19 shot is coming up soon! I have been trying for over a month to get an appointment, but the supplies were slow in coming to my state. At age 72, and living with cancer for six years, I feel very vulnerable to this catastrophic disease.

But now, I’m hopeful again and it’s time to say thanks to those who’ve helped me along during this journey to the shot. Here are 5 helpers I want to give my appreciation to.

I’m sending a big shout-out to the scientific researchers who worked overtime and took no weekends off over these past several months to come up with the vaccines that will go into the arms of cancer survivors like me. This is only the first step on the road to normalcy, but an important one. The pharmaceutical industry, which often takes its lumps from the public, also deserves to take a bow.

And how about the army of vaccinators, the hospitals, the pharmacies, the schedulers, the truck drivers and others all working together to help restore my health and the health of the nation. What an amazing undertaking!

Early on during the pandemic, ordinary citizens took to their sewing machines to make and donate countless masks. I will be forever grateful for their selfless acts. I proudly wear their creations for the sake of good health and to serve as a role model for others who may be more reticent to wear one.

A new brand of affection was born during this era: The virtual hug. I have given them and received them from family members, and fellow cancer support group members at Gilda’s Club. The novel coronavirus has wrought much grief and sorrow, but the loving spirits in my inner circle has replied with positive vibes. It is truly loved live-streamed!

My cancer support groups meeting on Zoom are led by trained facilitators ready and willing to provide comfort, care and vital information to survive this health crisis. I can’t even imagine going through such trying times without these compassionate professionals. They lend an ear and offer sage advice.

In my little neck of the woods, delivery trucks bring everything from potting soil to bathroom plungers to stationery to protein snacks to our doorstep. Also, the postal workers have stepped up their game to deliver packages and mail to our home, putting their health on the line in the process. How can I ever thank them enough?

So, there you have, cancer peeps. Now it’s your turn:

With a COVID-19 vaccine shot on the way, here are 5 groups of people I, as a cancer survivor, want to thank. 

Ron Cooper

The COVID-19 Pandemic Has Reminded Us All About the Importance of a Phone Call

A Cancer Survivor Embraces a New Career as a ‘Sit-Down Comedian’

A Valentine’s Day Miracle for Cancer Survivors

5 Groups of Helpers to Thank During COVID-19

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