At just thirty years old, Steve was diagnosed with osteosarcoma, a rare and aggressive bone cancer. The journey has taken him through chemotherapy, multiple surgeries, and many different avenues of holistic health. An avid blogger, Steve shares his personal health regimens as well as love of music, movies and sports in his writing. Follow along his quest for wellness as he reacclimates into the world in spite of daunting statistics. You can connect with Steve on Instagram 

Steve Rubin

It’s been a while since my latest share. Usually, I know exactly how I’m feeling and what I want to say, but lately something’s changed. Almost like after five years of living in survival mode and keeping my health top priority, I’m now struggling with a glaring lack of clarity in… pretty much everything else.

For anyone dealing with the new, condensed timeline of life after long-term treatment, you might sense that traditional milestones like dating, marriage, careers and kids feel rushed or cramped. The clock’s skipped ahead and you don’t get that time back. And personally, while I’m still working through trauma and confusion or desperately chasing down moments and experiences I missed in my earlier 30s, everyone else seems to have moved on, appearing so blissfully decisive and satisfied with their chosen routes. Even if that’s not true (and of course it isn’t), it still 

 that way sometimes. Perception can mess with you like that.

I’m a different person after cancer. But I’m still tinkering with the controls of this new identity and figuring out my voice and values. I’ve always relied on instinct to guide me. And that’s what’s so scary— in many areas, I have no idea what feels right. My radar doesn’t seem to be pointing in 

 direction, which only adds more frustration.

As someone with a type A personality, I like knowing what I’m working towards and not wasting time. And all this blockage has left me feeling unsettled and less deserving of joy. But the other night, Kori and I forced ourselves out of a wave of anxiety and had a leisurely glass of wine outside. She threw together a delicious meat and cheese plate—well worth straying from my 

—and we had ourselves a moment to just let down and chill out. It was nice. I woke up with a smile the next morning, feeling more at peace than I have in weeks.

I’ve decided to take that as a sign. Instead of driving myself crazy trying to force together puzzle pieces that don’t quite fit, I’m taking another approach…

For now, let’s just be clear that I’m unclear.

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Dealing with cancer at a young age can cause regular milestones to feel rushed or misplaced.

Perfectly Unclear

It’s an age where many people hit their stride in life, and while I’m beyond grateful to be feeling as well as I am health-wise, it’s still difficult to avoid getting caught up in the comparison game.

On one end, I’m putting my head down each day, healing, coping and doing the best I can to rebuild — which is all very nice — until you hear about what everyone else is up to: big things in the real world. Making things happen. Living out their dreams — dreams not all that different from my own, pre-diagnosis.

Watching from the sidelines while the world cruises ahead can really sting… but that’s no way to live. Learning to celebrate other’s good news without getting caught up in my own head games is an area I’m working on lately; the next phase along my evolution as a cancer thriver, you might say.

I’m proud to have exceptional people in my life. And it means a lot knowing we’re close enough that they keep me involved. I wouldn’t change that for anything. Not to mention all the love and support I’ve received these past few years.

Instead, I’m working on approaching each day from a place of love rather than fear, as well as trying to maintain more of an “abundance” mindset; neither of which are necessarily 

 after trauma, but these qualities are much more in line with the standard of character I hold myself accountable to and I’m ready to step up my game.

Those around me deserve the best version of myself, and just as importantly, so do I.

A young cancer survivor describes the difficulty of seeing others in his age group living out their dreams.

The Comparison Game

Managing through the darker emotions like fear, uncertainty, isolation and pain are all part of the daily grind with fighting cancer. It’s just so easy to get caught up in all the stress, which is why maintaining good mental health has always been a top priority of mine. And recently I came across a routine that I’ve found super helpful for that exact purpose.

I was listening to Brian Koppelman, screenwriter of “Rounders” and creator of “Billions,” interview Julia Cameron on 

 about her book, “The Artist’s Way,”and they kept raving about a concept called Morning Pages. Their enthusiasm was so contagious that I bought the book to learn more and immediately loved it.

It’s a simple concept. Before you start your day, grab an 8.5” x 11” notebook and churn out three pages of stream of consciousness thought. Throw all your dreams and fears on there. Let all the bitching and moaning out on the page. As Cameron describes, you can even start out as mindlessly as “I’m tired and really don’t feel like doing this crap.” Eventually your brain moves on to a new tangent and I’ve definitely noticed my mood and mental clarity both improve by the end.

Cameron also encourages you to write as self-critically as needed. She describes how we all have a “censor voice”, basically that negative voice in our head that knows exactly where we’re vulnerable and how to hurt us, and she explains that purging those toxic thoughts on the page will free your mind up afterwards.

While you’re writing, don’t stop or overthink. I don’t even read the pages afterwards. It’s a mental cleanse. It’s a refocus. It’s also a great way to work through whatever questions or problems are on your mind. What I find crazy is how much ground I cover each morning. I’m flying through topics and by the end barely remember what I was tapping into back on the first page. It’s led to all kinds of new ideas and inspiration. And I do feel much more grounded afterwards.

Fighting cancer requires rising to the challenge every day, one day at a time. Might as well set the right tone each morning. Give Morning Pages a shot and let me know what you think!

A cancer survivor shares a journaling method that he has found to be beneficial to his mental health.

Writing ‘Morning Pages’ Helps Get My Mind Right Each Day

I’ve had to catch myself twice recently. And by catch myself, I mean reflect in disappointment knowing I could’ve been better.

Two very important people in my life recently confided with me about their own health scares. And as soon as they shared the news, it brought back all the familiar fears and the heightened emotions. I began to lose control.

It’s much easier writing to the general cancer fighting community than supporting a living, breathing person — especially one you know and love. All I wanted to do was download everything I’ve learned straight to their brain like Neo in “The Matrix”. I’ve gotten burned so many times and the thought of them facing the same kind of misery was almost too much for my nerves to handle.

So, what was my first instinct? To nudge them along the same route I’ve taken. Optimizing all healing factors by every means possible. Giving themselves the best possible chance of success. Finding an edge.

Other people have different processes and different comfort levels as well. My lifestyle overhaul didn’t take place overnight — not even close! How could I possibly expect that of someone else?

Also, just because my approach helps me doesn’t mean other paths are less effective. It doesn’t mean these people are taking the situation less seriously either. One friend didn’t want to call more attention until they had the facts. Of course, here I was expecting the worst and preparing for every possible nightmare. But they wanted to keep it at a yellow alert instead of working themselves up to a CODE RED freak out. And thankfully it looks like everything should (hopefully) be OK. They ended up saving themselves from a lot of unnecessary stress leading up to the scans. Honestly, it was a great teaching moment for me.

Finding the balance between offering support and guidance — especially when you’re worried and believe you have serious value to share — while at the same time, not overwhelming the person, isn’t easy. And it may take some practice to get right, but this is an important skill for cancer thrivers to get down. Otherwise, we’ll just be wasting all the valuable knowledge, lessons and first-hand experiences we can share with those who need it most.

Finding the balance between offering support and guidance while at the same time not overwhelming people going through health scares isn’t easy, writes a cancer survivor. He notes that although it may take some practice to get right, it is an important skill for cancer thrivers to get down.

Steve Rubin

Perfectly Unclear

The Comparison Game

Writing ‘Morning Pages’ Helps Get My Mind Right Each Day

What I Have Learned Helping Friends Through Health Scares

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