Yes, some days are harder than others, even though my strength has been depleted, my courage has been renewed.
All through life I've had relatives have some form of cancer diagnoses. Some survived for years, some would later succumb to the ugly breakdown. Watching others journeys, I never contemplated one day I would face the ugly breakdown. Presently I also face that journey, of hoping and praying that I can defeat this ugly breakdown. There are other diseases that wreak havoc on the body, but lately, I have pondered: does the mind and soul suffer wreckage also?
Before I met the ugly breakdown, I was a 46-year-old black alpha male, who moved and went about life at his own dictates, worked out at the gym, filled with confidence and personality. Now, some of that has changed. Now, my days are filled with pain and slow methodical movements. I'm reminded of my new normal, the lasting effects of colon cancer. Foods I could eat without premeditated thoughts, I now must back off or face physical pain.
Colon cancer: the ugly breakdown, sucks your strength like a vacuum that can't be disconnected from its power source. All those natural abilities and confidences that come with black manhood, has slowly been eroded. It takes time and hard work and a determination to recover and get back to the first normal.
My new normal is a physical weakness; now I need people to help me. Walking steps can be a chore, long days filled with too much activity can send me to sleep and can make me feel like I want to hibernate for the winter. After a five-hour surgery, a week and day in the hospital, liquid and clear diet, progressing to soft foods and now chemotherapy, I had to realize that hibernation had to come to an end.
I realized through prayer and support, there are only two options, one was to get depressed and die and live in sick dark places. The other is to envision the healing, the future and what it could have been. I have stage three colon cancer, with a great prospect of living for years to come. It could have been stage four with no cure and being faced with imminent mortality and helping others preparing for your death service.
Some days, those dark torrents attempt to swallow my faith and positive outlook for the future. At those moments I must rest on the assurances of faith that can't be broken and removed. That strong faith foundation that I've been built on is the umpire of my soul and the regulator for the future. Yes, some days are harder than others, even though my strength has been depleted, my courage has been renewed.
My new normal is the truth that the ugly breakdown can and at some point, experience the beatdown.