Finding Meaning After an Acute Myeloid Leukemia Diagnosis

I found purpose after my AML diagnosis by reflecting on loss, embracing gratitude and using my experience to help others through their own cancer journeys.

Being diagnosed with cancer is a life-changing experience for most people. A cancer diagnosis often shifts our perspective on the world, our relationships and ourselves. Erik Erikson, a well-known psychoanalyst, is famous for developing the eight stages of psychosocial development.

The eighth stage, "Integrity versus Despair," is particularly relevant for those receiving a cancer diagnosis. Erikson assigned this stage to individuals aged 65 and older. However, what if our lives are potentially cut short by a cancer diagnosis before we reach that age? Those who feel they may have limited time often reflect on their lives, asking themselves questions like, "Did I do enough? Did I accomplish all I wanted? Did my life have meaning?" Such reflections can lead to inner conflict and feelings of despair.

I was 29 when my oldest son, Logan, was diagnosed with acute lymphocytic leukemia (ALL). He bravely battled the disease for 20 months before his passing. Sixteen years later, I heard a doctor say, "We think you have leukemia, but it is not the same kind as your son." I suppose that was meant to comfort me. I was diagnosed with acute myelogenous leukemia (AML) and began treatment out of state, as blood cancer treatment could not be initiated in Alaska due to the necessity for inpatient chemotherapy.

I was employed as a probation officer for the state of Alaska at the time of my diagnosis. I loved my job immensely, so it was a significant adjustment when I could no longer work. I pleaded with my doctors for brief breaks to return home and asked if I could go back to work. They looked at me as if I had two heads but eventually said I could return to the office if I avoided direct contact with people.

I was the primary insurance holder for my family and losing that coverage would have been devastating. I was incredibly grateful to many state workers who generously donated leave to ensure I would not be without insurance. Without their kindness, we would have faced significant hardship. Remarkably, they contributed so much leave that I continued to receive a paycheck. I returned to work after my stem cell transplant, believing my challenges were behind me. Unfortunately, 11 months later, I contracted coronavirus, RSV and pneumonia, which ultimately ended my career.

In his book, “Man's Search for Meaning,” Victor Frankl suggests that even in adversity, we can choose our attitudes toward suffering. We can find meaning in our experiences by focusing on the positive outcomes of difficult circumstances. You might wonder, "What could be meaningful about having cancer?" I propose that a cancer diagnosis can encourage you to look at life through a different lens, allowing you to appreciate the small things you may have previously overlooked.

Losing my job was devastating and plunged me into a struggle between "integrity and despair." I began to question my purpose. During my recovery, I wrote a book about my and my son's experience with leukemia and enrolled in graduate school. In May 2020, I graduated with my Master of Social Work and became a licensed clinical social worker working with oncology patients.

I feel fortunate to have overcome my losses. I found meaning in my circumstances and used my experiences to help others. I am profoundly grateful for this journey. Every experience has taught me the significance of a thankful spirit and a purposeful life. Many survivors seek to understand what having had cancer means for their lives now, discovering that this transformative experience often leads to a reevaluation of spirituality, life's purpose and core values. 

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