I let go of knowing I won’t ever be without anxiety of my cancer growing again and let go of the idea of any “old me” returning. I was now focusing on the “new me.”
The song “Let it Go” from the popular Disney movie “Frozen” came on my Spotify playlist one day when my heart was shattered after being rejected by an adoption agency refusing us to become parents due to my “deadly” disease. Now, I’ve always loved this song, and loved the movie, but at that moment, I vowed my heartache couldn’t be what killed my joy. Although my husband and I dreamed of being parents for years and we tried every path we could to become parents, we have officially “let it go.”
We let go of the things we cannot change, the hardships making us angry and the stress that is not worth wasting our time. Instead, we find our joy, create happiness, and seek out the light in adventure.
Stage 4 breast cancer stamped me permanently with a fear of dying, yet all I just want to do is live and be proud when I left this life by doing everything possible I can for others with breast cancer. For nearly two years, I was robbed. I put everything on hold, letting cancer drive the road of life.
One day in June 2020, I stood at my kitchen sink and knew I wanted to be free of this pain and life of cancer controlling every decision. I didn’t cross into any negative thoughts, but I wanted control back. I was four months stable, had fired my second oncologist and was getting my life back together. From that point on, I decided I’m letting go of feeling any past feelings of frustration of misdiagnosis and wasted time.
I was letting go of cancer’s control for the last time and putting my new priorities and goals first. I let go of knowing I won’t ever be without anxiety of my cancer growing again and let go of the idea of any “old me” returning. I was now focusing on the “new me.”
It’s easy to complain and be negative, but it’s hard to permanently let something go and not revisit it.
“Let it Go” gave me the philosophy I needed to be reminded I was holding on to all of my expectations, struggles, hurdles, grit and grace. Many times I wrote down on a piece of paper what I was letting go, crumpled it up, and I burned it. My favorite was to do it with stupid debt consolidation letters or free ads in the mail.
A year and a half later, “letting it go” became the best thing for my survival. A deadly disease is an emotional hardship on mental health, and in the cancer community, the resources are still not where they need it to me. Instead, I’ve met online in breast cancer groups, so many meta-sisters, pink sisters and other cancer warriors that have helped heal my mental health. Journaling or even listing what my priorities are each day, week and month in my planner really help me focus. Most of all, music is my go to for my healing and rebirth.
It's still a hard choice to let things go and not affect me. But that philosophy is my shield; it’s how I process hardships and frustrations, and how I protect my joy. Joy isn’t found in abundance easily as adults, and I figured out how to find more joy in these last three in and half years with cancer. Small moments of joy make sometimes the best memories because it’s the unexpected little things that allow us to become grateful, humble and kind.
My advice for anyone going thru some hardships with cancer is to put on “Let it Go,” close your eyes, and think of something that you want to let go of.
Can you do it? Can you write it down, crumble it up, and burn it? Open your eyes, believe you can, and you will.
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