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Tired of Cancer and the Uncertainty It Brings

A breast cancer and melanoma survivor reflects on being tired of her cancers and living with uncertainty.
I am stalling in making my appointments to see my doctors in 2016. It isn’t rational. I know I need to be monitored and checked out regularly. I am just tired of my cancers. Sometimes people are tired of their spouse or a family member or their home or job. Today, I am tired of cancer.

Ironically, it is probably normal sometimes to be tired of something that has frightened me, worn me down and taken its pound of flesh in so many ways. Sheepishly, I feel a little stupid — tired of this problem? The universe could certainly send me a different one to keep me busy for a while. No, thank you. I am not sending out a request for another problem.

No news really can be good news. How much should I go hunting for cancer news? What research should I be reading? What tests should I be requesting? What medical information (doctor appointments) should I be getting settled? What is rational versus overly concerned?

Living with one or more cancer diagnosis is living a life painfully aware of life's uncertainty, and it is ongoing. The uncertainty — whether someone is newly diagnosed or twenty years out — never goes away. The uncertainty wears a person down. A person wants a break from the uncertainty. Cancer survivors live with the uncertainty that a problem (cancer) may or may not pop up again for the rest of their lives.

Growth does sometimes come through problems: relationship changes, job changes, health changes and more. Why do some of us use negatives to create positives? My cancers have helped me grow my faith and deepen my relationships and focus better on priorities. That said, I would be the last person to ever call either of my cancers “gifts.” No. Absolutely not. A disease is not a gift. A life of uncertainty isn’t a special present.

Talk about this article with other patients, caregivers, and advocates in the General Discussions CURE discussion group.
Barbara Tako is a breast cancer survivor (2010), melanoma survivor (2014) and author of Cancer Survivorship Coping Tools–We'll Get You Through This. She is a cancer coping advocate, speaker and published writer for television, radio and other venues across the country. She lives, survives, and thrives in Minnesota with her husband, children and dog. See more at www.cancersurvivorshipcopingtools.com,or www.clutterclearingchoices.com.
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