Addressing Feelings of Loneliness After a Cancer Diagnosis

Hearing the words 'you have cancer' can lead to dark feelings, and thinking that no one else understands; however, there are others that have walked this road before you, others who are still standing, and it is possible for you to do the same, a cancer thriver explained.

To further delve into this topic, CURE sat down for an interview with Valarie Traynham, a cancer thriver and patient advocate to discuss what she wishes someone had told her at the time of her diagnosis.

Don’t miss out on more from Traynham, as she also covered living with intention following a cancer diagnosis, as well as her definition of survivorship, in her conversation with CURE.

Transcript:

Looking back, what do you wish someone had told you at the time of your diagnosis that might have better prepared you for what was ahead?

There are several things I wish someone had told me, and this is what I try to tell everyone now: You are not alone. Often, when you hear those words, "you have cancer," you enter a dark place and feel like nobody else understands. But know that others have been on this road, they have walked this road, they are still standing, and you can do the same.

Early in my journey, when I looked at the prognosis, I was told three to five years. Then I met a 26-year survivor, and my mentality shifted. I became that outlier. Whenever I see charts and graphs about myeloma or breast cancer survivors, I tell myself that I am going to be that outlier; I'm not going to fall within those lines.

I also wish someone had told me that "incurable" doesn't necessarily mean a death sentence. When you hear "multiple myeloma," an incurable cancer, my mind automatically went to, "Oh my God, I'm going to die." I was diagnosed so young — at 42 — and a three-to-five-year prognosis meant I might not live to see 50. So, I wish someone had told me it doesn't have to be a death sentence.

I wish someone had also told me that when treatment stops, you can still be left with long-term, life-altering side effects. These are things people don't talk about; it's all about getting you into treatment and cared for. I wish someone had told me that even after treatments stop, the emotional and mental processing of things still continues. It doesn't stop just because you're not going in for chemo every week. That emotional toll can still affect you deeply.

I wish someone would have told me that I was going to need to learn how to advocate for myself and what that truly entailed. For me, it was a learning-as-I-went process, but I think had I known that upfront, I would have been in a better position.

Lastly, I wish someone would have told me about how cancer can change the dynamics of your relationships. I had friends who drifted away; they didn't know what to say, or they were just uncomfortable for whatever reason. Others had never known someone with cancer, so they didn't know how to respond or how to offer the support that was needed. So, the dynamics in relationships, even family relationships, some of those shifted as well.

However, I can say that even though I wish someone had told me about how relationships would shift — both in not-so-good ways and in good ways — I found that I've made deeper connections in the survivor communities, building new support networks. That has become a form of healing for me. So, I wish I would have known that upfront. I wouldn't have been so worried about it, just knowing that there was a network out there that is so supportive.

Transcript has been edited for clarity and conciseness.

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