When a “Thinking of You” Card Isn’t the Right Support for a Patient

Sue McCarthy received diagnoses of breast cancer in 2001 and lung cancer in 2018. Catch up on all of Sue's blogs here!

Recently, I sent a nice “Thinking of you” card to a fellow member of our Catholic Parish’s cancer support group.

I am a survivor of two cancers: for seven years, I have remained cancer-free after a diagnosis of stage 3b lung cancer in 2018; twenty-three years have passed since my duct carcinoma in situ breast cancer diagnosis in 2001. There has been no recurrence of that cancer either. I am so thankful! The new woman in our support group was also diagnosed with lung cancer. Hers has metastasized.

Kathy responded to my card by text, asking me, politely, to send no more cards at this time. “They remind me that I have cancer, when I want to just enjoy feeling good. I know you care.” I was surprised and confused when I first read her message, but I did appreciate the candid nature of it. 

And then I remembered the hodgepodge of emotions I had felt during both of my cancers. During my breast disease, I was especially sensitive to those who asked, “How are you feeling?” during and after my treatment. It was not the more typical and familiar, “How are you doing?” “How’s it going?” or “What’s new?” I felt I was being singled out and didn’t like it. I was not necessarily being logical, but that’s how I felt.

Lung cancer was entirely different for me. Midway through my planned rounds of chemotherapy, I hit what seemed like rock bottom. Five days after my first round of platinum-based treatment, I sensed every part of myself dying – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. As my fever reached

101 degrees, I felt sicker than I had ever before in my life. My oncologist fit me into his schedule that day.

The verdict: I was fine, with no unusual symptoms. I realized that lung cancer, and the treatment necessary to have a chance to beat it, was just as serious an illness as I feared it would be. That day I learned what I was facing, and with that knowledge I felt I had as good a chance to recover as anyone did.

So, I struggled to keep going – to take the best care of myself that I possibly could have. I knew I needed to seek out all the help I could get – from God, and from friends, family and other loved ones. My diagnosis had already dictated the distinction between myself and the other 90% of people in my life.

It was fine to be asked by anyone, “How are you feeling?” Also, it was a great pleasure for me to tutor a few of the children I typically helped in my small, home-based tutoring business. As I spent that hour with my student, my life was normal, cancer had no part in it, and although that was not reality, it felt great.

But there is a more important lesson for me to take away from the text conversation I had with Kathy. My role in our group is no longer one of a patient. It is one of a support person to those who are following me into their cancer journeys.

St. Peregrine’s Group’s purpose is not so much simply to say the right words and provide the most delicious treats. The first group meeting I attended left me knowing that the group’s members listened to my questions, and several offered helpful opinions which I took home with me and mulled over in my mind.

Surviving later-stage lung or colon cancer comes about as a result of a combination of healthy eating, remaining as active as possible, holding onto courageous and optimistic thinking. Equally important to most cancer patients is to receive quality support from their family and friends.

How can cancer support group members, especially those of us who have reached remission, best provide for our peers? By listening, empathizing when possible, and if not, simply caring.

I’ve sent many kind greeting cards, especially to those who are in special need of comfort. I like to get them myself! But this week I learned that sometimes kind, comforting messages via cards aren’t necessarily a good idea for an individual working their way through cancer treatment. I learned, first by listening to Kathy, then as I continued to think deeper, and ultimately to write this blog.

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