17 Years With Blood Cancer Taught Me What Friends Are For

Even though I heard the words, “You have a blood cancer,” 17 years ago, the exact circumstances — where I was, who was with me, what I was wearing and the look on the doctor’s face — are all etched in my mind. Of course, even though I suspected it, it still came as a shock.

Telling my three daughters was going to be difficult, and it was. I felt I had to be strong and convince them that I was lucky to have this particular diagnosis. It is an indolent cancer rather than an aggressive one, which, relatively speaking, is the “best” kind to have. Still, it was difficult to process and discuss with them, especially after reading about the disease and the average life expectancy I might have, knowing there is no cure. My husband was truly shocked because he was sure it was nothing. I had to convince him as well. My first reaction with all of them required an act.

The Friends I Could Be Myself With

So, who could I be my total self with? My few close girlfriends were the answer.

Recently, one of them sent me an article from Psychology Today, posted on Oct. 23, 2026, titled “If There’s One Thing You Need From a Friend, This Is It,” by Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D. What is it that we most need from a friend? Dr. Degges-White’s answer: “Feeling safe enough to be yourself is the key to healthy friendships.”

This is what the author found through her survey. It made me think about who was there for me and how priceless it was to have them in my life.

Many of us have fair-weather friends, but if we are blessed, we also have friends who show up when we face life’s serious challenges. Friends who are there to listen, not to judge. These friends are the gems in our lives. They aren’t family, yet they love us enough to support us so we can be totally ourselves, expressing what we are feeling without having to go through it all alone. Yes, hopefully, our families are a tremendous source of support, and they are there for us in a different way. With our friends, we can let it all out without worrying about also having to be strong and positive, as we often try to be for our families.

What I Needed After My Diagnosis

I needed to share my story without someone trying to “fix” it. I needed to let all my feelings out without worrying about the reaction on the other side. I needed exactly what Dr. Degges-White discovered through her survey. As I have gotten older, I have come to realize just how important this is. I needed to feel safe enough to be fully myself.

By the time this is published, I will have turned 75 years old. My personal circle of friends has grown smaller since I moved to Michigan 49 years ago as a young mom and began meeting new people. Some of those who became good friends have since moved away or passed away, while other friendships have changed as life’s journey continued. I knew that for this particular challenge, which I have now been facing for 17 years and counting, I needed friends who were close by and had known me for years. I needed those friends who were a constant in my life.

Am I the Kind of Friend I Needed?

Reading this article also made me wonder: Am I the kind of friend I needed?

The article posed four questions (out of five) that I thought were important not only to ask myself, but also to keep at the forefront of my friendships as we all age and face more challenges.

• “Do my friends feel heard when they talk to me?”
• “Am I more likely to offer advice or understanding?”
• “Do the women in my life know they can be vulnerable without being judged?”
• “Who in my life might benefit from a phone call, a text, or a reminder that they’re not alone?”

As many of us face new health issues as we age, I want to know that I will be there for my friends. Hopefully, they won’t ever hear the words, “You have cancer,” but if they do, I want to be the kind of friend I needed.

I now understand how important it is to be mindful of my reaction: to simply listen, rather than immediately offer advice or try to find a solution. I want my friends to know they are not alone. I want them to know that I see them, I hear them and I am there for them.

References

1. Degges-White S. “If There’s One Thing You Need From a Friend, This Is It.” Psychology Today. Oct. 23, 2026.

For more news on cancer updates, research and education, don't forget to subscribe to CURE®'s newsletters here.