Have You Taken Time to Grieve? Facing Hearing Loss and Cancer

I told my pastor through tears how much losing more of my hearing has impacted me. I already was hard of hearing from birth, and then an ototoxic medication made me profoundly deaf. I am missing many conversations because of the horrible loss.

I also mentioned that with my low blood counts from my cancer, the red blood cells have problems extending to my extremities. My legs become weak and give way when I least expect it. Therefore, I cannot assist with serving at church dinners. I felt guilty because our church is centered on mission work. We had a fundraiser the previous week, and I had to leave early.

I've known this pastor for nearly 15 years, and he understands me better than most of my friends and even family members. His astonished face gazed at me. “Jane, I had no idea how much the hearing loss has impacted you. You come into church smiling and greeting people every Sunday like nothing is wrong. None of us understand what you are going through.”

Then his next words rocked me. I have been grumpy and depressed lately, which is why I ended up in his office. “You are in denial, especially with your additional hearing loss. You have never given yourself a chance to grieve.”

Stunned, I became silent. I have a Ph.D. in counseling, but we counselors are so quick to diagnose others before ourselves and will help our clients instead of us. I am retired now but should have been able to figure this out. The thought came to me: “Physician, heal thyself.”

I was frustrated because I was missing church announcements. My Live Transcribe app, which does captioning on my phone, misses some of the events people are talking about, and I do not know what is going on. My pastor reminded me that our church was focused on assisting people with various disabilities and wanted to continue this important goal. A newsletter or email about important functions could be done easily instead of simply announcing it in church. He reminded me that no one should be snarky about my limited help with dinners and events due to my cancer. The guilt was all mine, and he was right because our church is so supportive. I am the one who is beating myself up.

Now I understood why I was in a dark place right now. I needed to break through the first stage of grief for the hearing loss and the denial about the impact on my life. Most of us are familiar with the stages of grief first researched by Kübler-Ross and have lived them. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are the stages. Sometimes we get stuck at one stage, but I had not even gotten through the first and most important one. I was not letting people know how much my loss of hearing and the cancer were affecting me.

I then realized that cancer survivors go through these stages in one form or another every single day. For a person like me who has been fortunate to survive 15 years, the side effects and symptoms constantly change. We go through the stages and start all over again. With blood cancer like mine (MDS), the symptoms are exacerbated over time.

I needed to do several things. First, I had to take time out to grieve and quit acting like everything was OK. Second, I needed to let others know how they could help me and explain what I cannot do. How else do they know? I needed to cycle this repeatedly.

People seldom talk about the idea that those of us with chronic illnesses constantly change and our needs are different. Many therapists don’t understand that we are facing new symptoms all the time and never really finish the stages of grief. We need to continually support each other not just when first diagnosed but over a lifetime. CURE is a wonderful platform to do this.

Reach out, my friends, break through the denial, admit you are grieving and be kind to yourself. Ask for help — no one should go through this alone. We are driven by the culture in this country to be self-sufficient and independent, but we hurt ourselves in the process. Most people out there are good and willing to help if asked. I ignore the rare few who aren’t, knowing that someday they may need the help. I also believe that people who help others feel better about themselves, and we are ultimately helping them.

This piece reflects the author’s personal experience and perspective. For medical advice, please consult your health care provider.

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