How Testicular Cancer Taught Me to Be True to Myself

As written in Ecclesiastes 4:4, “One person’s envy of another is meaningless, like chasing after the wind.” I know I cannot catch the wind; it’s impossible.

Back when I was getting my undergraduate degree, I took a class in philosophy as an elective. We discussed Aristotle and his views on self-development. Aristotle believed people are all searching for happiness. However, the confusion comes in on how to get there. What I remember most about that class was reading about our actions and how they actually change our desires. After my cancer diagnosis, this class had a special meaning. I had a choice to do many things. Right or wrong, I had free will.

But there is an emotional cost: the value of dealing with the stress of life’s persistent judgement. Often ending with marks of rejection. No one likes rejection. Ever. What other people think and say may keep you awake at night and can be a deep, echoing reflection of sound. Does one’s judgement mean you need to change? Maybe. But most likely not. Cancer always comes at the worst time and makes itself heard in a variety of ways. Sometimes in the voices of others.

Envy may creep in when you are weak and feeling less confident in yourself. Don’t be surprised on hearing that your past was on fire and only you could have saved it. Those judgmental words that you hear may entice you to be envious of what you don’t have. However, illness can put into perspective exactly what we do have both in ourselves as well as outside. For example, I see people that have empathy and show kindness without expecting anything in return.

After my cancer surgery, I was found to be envious at times seeing classmates driving new cars and doing fun things. I frequently compared myself to a healthy person. During treatment, giving blood, sonograms, CT scans, kidney scans, x-rays, and other medical tests were quite common. That is just what my life was like those days. I had been hopeful that after cancer I would clarify my own developing views about the world.

Only I found conflict between my inner self and being able to confide in others. Then I realized I could not be something that I was not. I found comfort in being thankful to be alive and for everything that I did have. Envy was no longer in my life.

One unseasonably warm winter morning I looked at myself in the mirror and felt something that shaped me into being true to myself. From that day forward, I was no longer envious.

Have you often been lost in thought while worrying about trivial matters and fretting about the future? Do you ever feel like you’re going through the motions of life without really experiencing it? If so, you’re not alone! It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of everyday life and forget to live in the moment.

By learning to live in the moment, you can experience the little things, find joy in the ordinary, and cultivate more gratitude for your life. Living in the moment doesn’t have to be complicated or time-consuming. Now looking back, I would do things a bit differently. I would ask questions about surviving and what it meant in the long term.

My advice is not to be afraid to ask questions and truly do what you feel is right. After all, your health is number one. Think to a future point. Be that bridge that presents a better view of the world. Do not let envy grow inside you. It often goes straight for your heart and the recovery from envy will take energy away from your physical healing. Write a letter to yourself saying the words that meant a lot to you before your cancer. Maybe it will reveal something you never thought about telling others. Go to a park or nature center and just sit alone and listen. Create your own happiness thinking of what is now most important in your life. Share those thoughts with someone you love.

To me, it boils down to a simple saying: Be true to yourself. That’s how I want to be remembered. That’s it. Everything else is just space in our heads. “Gobbledygook!” Life moves pretty fast, so admit to yourself, “This is who I am, this is what I value, and this is what I won’t compromise.” Be the “This.”

I have encountered people who spend their lives planning their deaths, worrying about what they don’t have. They are closer to dying but have not enjoyed living. Live a life ahead of the wind without envy about what you do not have.

Never erase yourself but understand yourself and your health. Keep looking for how to live within the scope of your own life.

This piece reflects the author’s personal experience and perspective. For medical advice, please consult your health care provider.

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