How Surviving Testicular Cancer Changed My Life Forever

How Writing Helped Me Heal After Testicular Cancer

After my cancer diagnosis and having a testicle removed, I was not always daydreaming about writing, reading, watching soccer or anything remotely intellectually stimulating. Writing makes me remember things from my early life. I used to stare at the simple light and color in the sky that created a special language for all to experience in the form of a rainbow.

This may seem like a random thought, but when I write I do not analyze, but only let the words flow out. Some words have no particular meaning to me but are there to make me aware of some unique existence in the world.

It hardly bears repeating how difficult writing can be some days. I drift in and out with my mind at times, forgetting how famished my brain is. Then I realize, "I am a survivor, keep my head up." Writing about my cancer diagnosis, treatment and post-recovery life is my own personal way of saying, "I got through this. So can others. But they need to know they are not alone and their feelings are justified."

In recent months, I had several people contact me from my latest blog. One wrote that their son is currently battling testicular cancer. My heart dropped knowing another young man was going through this, but knowing my words were a comfort and offered a little hope gave me some satisfaction. We all need hope. A trust in believing in promises rather than depending solely on humanity.

The Emotional Impact of Testicular Cancer Survivorship

Cancer survival, beating anything or achieving a life goal is not easy for anyone at any age. The fact of the matter is, as survivors we are in a special group. We know what we went through, we know how hard it was, but we also feel like we're judged in a way. It's always on your conscience and you don't know what to say. I don't mean that in a bad way; it's just sometimes we're held to a different standard. People think, "Oh wow, you really went through so much and you really succeeded." The person that goes through cancer treatment knows in their heart and their memory what fear is, and it's hard for others, even sometimes family members, to understand that feeling.

What does it really mean when someone says they are having a hard time achieving a goal, finishing a huge project or surviving cancer? A few years back someone said to me, "Oh, what you went through must have been hard." It was hard not knowing what the future held. Having faith in yourself is perhaps the easy part. The hard part for me was when I'd reveal my feelings to someone else and hope they understood.

Finding Hope During and After Cancer Treatment

I believe when I was going through my testicular cancer it was hope and many prayers that got me through. I refused to let myself become just a memory. I wondered how many people had walked down that path pretending not to break down. There were many hours of lost sleep and smiles that dissolved when people weren't looking. I felt that I would crack like a fresh county egg if I didn't hold it all in.

At nineteen I was angry and felt isolated that cancer had taken away so much from me. Most importantly, I was unhappy and extremely disappointed, afraid of living life with just one testicle. I did not know how to feel. Should I just say, "Screw it," and throw my life away?

One fine day, months after my diagnosis and surgery, at a 9 a.m. Sunday Catholic Mass, I told myself that I was not going to push away those who cared about me.

I think choosing to go live life depends on many factors, not just the living part but specifically living for better or worse. Being a young and excited runner, I felt I could teach something to people to help them come back to a better existence.

Life After Testicular Cancer: Finding Purpose in Recovery

I am thinking about my second marathon after my cancer surgery. I passed a young guy in his thirties in a low-rider wheelchair, a special racing bike. He gave me a thumbs up. I was so blown away from that moment I turned to him and said, "Keep the faith." I'll never forget that guy.

Here I was running, sweating and feeling like I was the only one with troubles. Lo and behold, this guy had a physical disability that kept him from running, and he was encouraging me, a guy with perfect legs. Talk about a humbling life moment. Ask yourself a question every day: How did I survive cancer and life after? It's a journey, not a destination. There will be improvement. It just takes time.

Life After Cancer Is a New Beginning

Fourteen months prior to passing the young guy in his low-rider wheelchair, I was in my hospital room. I remember it like it was just yesterday. I was near a garden in the south courtyard. I would sneak out in the morning to the sweet smells of jasmine. I always knew my life's truth was somewhere not in that sweetness of a flower garden but rather on the hard concrete.

Life doesn't get back to "normal" after cancer. For me, it was a new chapter in the novel of my life.