Finding Strength and Joy During My Stage 4 Kidney Cancer Experience

Living with stage 4 kidney cancer has taught me to embrace the present: © stock.adobe.com.

If I could go back and speak to myself in the early days of my battle with advanced, stage 4 metastatic renal cell carcinoma, my advice would be: “You will find strength in places you never imagined, joy in moments you once overlooked and love coming from people you never expected to be important in your life.”

When I was first diagnosed, the fear was overwhelming. The prognosis felt like a ticking time bomb, and I was consumed by so many questions: What will treatment be like? How much time do I have? Am I going to die? What does this all mean? Will I be here to walk any of my daughters down the aisle? Will I see my grandchildren?

Over the years, I have learned that although cancer may reshape your path, it certainly does not define your spirit.

Early on after my diagnosis, I was fixated on the future and things I could not control — survival statistics, treatment plans, and what-ifs. However, as time passed, I began to appreciate what was right in front of me and focus on the things I could control. One of the most profound lessons I learned was the power of living in the present.

My older two daughters call it “Cancer Dad”. They claim that since my diagnosis, I parent differently. They say the two younger girls get away with a lot more than they did. They claim I am less worried about the things I was worried about when they were the same age and that my view on life is different. In some ways they say that cancer has forced me to be more mellow and less worried about being in control all the time.

I think my daughters are right. “Cancer Dad’s” perspective has changed, and I have learned to find gratitude in the present, appreciating the laughter, love, and even the challenges that come with each day. Cancer has taught me how to live in the present.

My cancer odyssey has taught me that while I cannot control the progression of my disease, I can choose how I respond to it. Finding joy with my family has brought me strength and renewed appreciation for life. We have seen firsthand that life isn’t guaranteed so we focus on making the best of what we have today. We call it “Stravin Strong”; we don’t sit around and ask why us, we keep our eyes on the road ahead and live in the moment

Over the last ten years, I have also discovered the importance of community. Connecting with others who understand this cancer odyssey has been invaluable. Whether helping other fellow patients through the early days of a diagnosis, sharing thoughts on treatment options in the Smart Patients online forum or having conversations with fellow patient advocates; sharing experiences and hearing others' stories has provided comfort and perspective. Sometimes I walk away saying that I am blessed despite having cancer and that things could certainly be worse for sure. The kidney cancer community is one big family, and you can always find someone to lean on. 

I have also learned that family Is not always about blood. Family is about who is willing to hold your hand when you need it the most. My experience with my care team at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute has shown me what that really means. Ten years ago if you had told me that I would find love in my care team, I would have told you that you were crazy. I see every day how love is at the center of the amazing care they provide. Without that love, I am not here today.

In closing, if I could offer advice to my past self — or anyone facing a similar diagnosis with advanced renal cell cancer — it would be this:

• Embrace the present. Find joy in the little things and cherish those moments.
• Seek connection. Lean on family and loved ones, join support groups like Smart Patients, and don’t be afraid to share your story.
• Stay informed. Advancements in kidney cancer treatments are ongoing; things are changing by the day, being proactive can make a difference.
• Be kind to yourself. There will be good days and tough days. It's okay to have tough days. Stay in the middle. Don’t let the highs get too high or the lows get too low. Allow yourself time for grace and compassion.

A cancer odyssey is undeniably challenging, but it's also filled with opportunities for growth, connection, and profound appreciation for life. Remember you are resilient, and you certainly are not alone. You have cancer. Cancer doesn’t have you.

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