Survivor Guilt After a Double Mastectomy for DCIS Breast Cancer

As I look at the reflection of my naked body in the bathroom mirror after every shower, I am slapped with a stark reminder of my surgery. I have implants where my real breasts once sat; long but fading horizontal scars across each “breast” and no nipples to speak of. While I am becoming accustomed to my “new look,” I can’t help but also feel a twinge of guilt.

Choosing a Double Mastectomy After a DCIS Diagnosis

When I was first diagnosed with ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) in my left breast, I was presented with a buffet of choices for my cancer treatment. My bottom line was that I wanted any and all cancer cells out of my body ASAP, and I did not want them to return. I wanted to avoid any future breast cancer occurrences and surgeries, so my entree of choice was a double mastectomy followed by breast reconstruction.

Why I Didn’t Need Chemotherapy or Radiation

I was “lucky.” I caught my cancer before it became invasive. After a biopsy of my nodes and an extensive genetic testing panel, it was determined that I did not need chemotherapy. I was spared the hair loss, fatigue and nausea associated with it. I would not be summoned to ring a bell to signify my final chemo treatment.

I also avoided radiation therapy and its potential aftereffects: lymphedema, heart and lung issues and skin discoloration. However, this was a personal decision. After learning that I could have heart issues following radiation treatment (my left breast is near my heart) and that it may not prevent cancer from returning, I steered away from this method of attack.

A Fast Recovery From Breast Cancer Surgery

Even though a double mastectomy is not a pleasant procedure and carries its own brand of inconveniences and complications, I still feel that I emerged from my brush with cancer relatively unscathed. I had a cancer diagnosis. Six weeks later, a double mastectomy. Cancer gone. Three months later, breast reconstruction. About four months after my cancer diagnosis, I was fully healed and living life full speed ahead.

Living With Breast Cancer Survivor Guilt

I feel immensely grateful that my cancer treatment and recovery went as smoothly as they could have, but I also feel overwhelming guilt because many women (including close friends) were not as lucky as I was with their cancer treatments and suffered much more. I don’t feel that I earned the right to wear a “cancer survivor” T-shirt or take advantage of any breast cancer survivor freebies (such as retreats, massages or complimentary organic food delivery) because my ordeal was less than theirs; I am an impostor.

Many women have monthslong battles with breast cancer, many women battle breast cancer more than once in their lives, and many women ultimately lose their battles with breast cancer. Maybe the scars I now wear across my chest are meant to keep me humble.

This post was written and submitted by Jennifer Tanay. The article reflects the views of Tanay and not of CURE®. It is not intended as medical advice.

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