The Healing Power of a Cancer Survivor Retreat During Scan Anxiety

This past weekend, I attended a weekend retreat for cancer survivors, organized by a woman I know who runs a non-profit organization for survivors of reproductive cancers. We met doing advocacy work for a university health center; when various organizations apply for research grants, sometimes they have to get impact statements from people who have experience as patients, family members, and/or caregivers about how the treatment might impact people recruited for the study.

She invited me to come to their retreat last year even though I have follicular lymphoma, a form of blood cancer that is considered highly treatable, but chronic and incurable, rather than a reproductive cancer, because she didn’t see any reason not to; she opened the retreat to any woman who has cancer or has had it in the past. She invited me this year because I’ve been going to other events she’s organized, and because she gave first chance to attend to women who attended last year.

The timing of this retreat was particularly fortuitous, because it was the weekend before my next CT scan, looking to see if my cancer had returned. For 48 hours, I was with people who knew exactly what it was like to wait for that scan, and then to wait for the results, and then wait to see the doctor to discuss the results. I was able to let go of that for the weekend; not completely, but a lot more than I would have if I’d been home.

It’s hard to explain what it’s like to be with people who have been through similar experiences, but not needing to explain things that other people have never experienced and don’t really understand is incredibly freeing and relaxing. There’s no need to explain, over and over, that there really is something to worry about, even if previous scans or bloodwork or exams were clear, and that even if nothing is expected to show up, waiting for the results is stressful, distracting, and can unexpectedly overwhelm everything around you.

Instead of needing to explain why I was so nervous and frazzled, I was met with understanding and compassion, and even after the weekend was over, contacts from other participants telling me that they were thinking of me and hoping for positive results - and even that statement would need explanation for people who haven’t had significant health problems, because the desired test results are negative - as in “no signs of cancer found”, rather than positive, which would mean the test results found something, the same way a positive result for a COVID test means you have COVID, which is is a negative outcome for a positive result.

I don’t need to explain to any of them why I’m compulsively drinking water today, because that’s what the scan tech tells you after the CT scan - to drink a lot of water for a couple of days, to help your kidneys clear the contrast dye from your system.

Spending the weekend with other women who have been through this before was incredible, and yet, I wish I had never qualified for the experience. But I’m incredibly grateful for the experience, the support, and to know that such things are available to at least some of the people who need them.

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