What Writing My Mom's Obituary Taught Me as a Cancer Survivor

Of everything I write as a freelancer, 75% is cancer blog posts for CURE. The other 25% are articles and possibly a short story for various other venues such as Writers Weekly or Kaleidoscope. As a teacher of writing, I also write materials for my classes such as syllabi and handouts.

But I’ve never written an obituary before. Until last week.

My 94-year-old mother is in home hospice care because she is at the end of her life. She is suffering from advanced Parkinson’s disease.

We as a family have started to prepare for my mom to pass away. Yesterday, my family was having a conversation about the organization of the funeral and other end-of-life activities. The subject of the obituary came up. My brother Bob jokingly said, “Too bad we don’t have a writer in the family.” This brought a chuckle to all of us.

Long story short, I stepped up to the plate as the obit writer. I was nervous about the task and didn’t think I could do it justice or give my mother the glowing life review that she deserved. But with a notebook in hand, I found myself at a local breakfast place writing down my mom’s life. The obit came out easily, but I became emotional, and when I was done with the first draft, I began to bawl. I’ve never done this when writing a CURE blog. This is the first difference between the two forms. Writing obits makes me cry; writing cancer blogs doesn’t.

And it’s funny, but you’d think that writing about one’s cancer would bring a few tears to the eye. I have to say, I’ve never cried for myself while writing a cancer blog. This is not to say that I didn’t cry when I was going through cancer treatment. Once, I wept profusely because of mouth sores caused by radiation treatment. Yes, I cried at times when I was experiencing cancer, but again, never when I was writing about it. I guess I’ve tried to keep the tone light when I’ve written about living with cancer. Also, I might be more stoic about my own pain than about my mom’s.

A second difference between writing a cancer blog and writing an obituary is that cancer blogs, for me, are less comprehensive. They usually span a short amount of time such as a day, at most. My mother’s obit, on the other hand, started with the fact of her birth and ended with the instance of her death.

Do blogs and obituaries have anything in common?

One thing that cancer blogs and my mother’s obituary share is that both have themes. A blog has a theme, or main idea. When I wrote my mother’s obituary, I focused it on a theme as well; the theme I chose was the fact that my mother was a writer and teacher (just like me). Most of the details in the death document have to do with my mom’s life working in the arts and in education. My mom wrote and published a book in 1970; she was a poetry judge for national poetry contests, and she wrote and directed 13 musicals for junior high school students. While doing all this for decades, she taught science and religion at a Catholic school.

What did I learn from reviewing my mother’s life and writing about it? I am very much like her. Talk about a copycat! In many ways, our lives have paralleled themselves. The only thing that was missing from my mom’s life was years of dealing with cancer.

I’m glad she missed that.

Mom, thank you for being a shining example.

You rocked, and you still do!

Personal note: I am a dyed-in-the-wool thrift shopper. One of my favorite things to do is show my mom what I purchase at the thrift store. The other day, I was at her house feeding her. “What did you get at the thrift store?” she asked between bites of banana bread.

Mom may be ready to go, but in so many ways, she’s still all here.

I thank God for that.

This piece reflects the author’s personal experience or perspective. For medical advice, please consult your healthcare provider.