When Cancer Diagnoses Lead to Guilt

A Cancer Diagnosis and the Guilt That Followed

After reading Gillian Ryan’s cancer story here on the CURE Today website, I immediately identified with her experience. Like Ryan, I felt guilt when I was diagnosed with cancer. I struggled with the idea of bringing cancer into my family’s life and, especially, having to share the diagnosis with my three adult daughters.

I was initially diagnosed with stage 2 non-small cell lung cancer after a PET scan, CT scan and needle biopsy revealed tumors in both lungs. At first, I felt I could manage what was ahead: two lung surgeries followed by regular CT scans to monitor for recurrence.

My husband was incredibly supportive and attended most of my appointments and treatments. He knew what was happening, but I still wondered when and how I would tell my daughters.

When My Diagnosis Changed

Everything changed shortly after my first surgery.

My thoracic surgeon called me one evening to tell me that lymph nodes removed during surgery were malignant. My cancer had been restaged to stage 3B lung cancer.

The news was shocking, and guilt quickly followed. My cancer was now clearly life-threatening, and I struggled even to tell my husband about the conversation.

After I told him, he gave me a loving hug. But I still had to face another difficult question: How could I tell my daughters?

I shared what information I could. I told them about my upcoming surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and immunotherapy, but I couldn't bring myself to tell them that my cancer had been restaged.

Carrying the Burden Alone

My daughters and I remained close, but I now realize that my fear of burdening them kept me from being as open as I could have been.

They were adults, but I still worried about what my illness would mean for them. I didn't want them losing sleep over me. I didn't want my older daughters to have to explain to their children that Grandma might not be able to visit anymore. And I didn't want my youngest daughter to have to imagine walking down the aisle without her mother at her wedding.

I was carrying a burden I never would have chosen, and at times it felt almost impossible to handle.

Finding Support With People Who Understood

During a particularly difficult round of chemotherapy, I found a cancer support group. I attended a Sunday afternoon meeting and immediately experienced the comfort and compassion that can come from being around people who understand what cancer feels like.

I tried several times to return, but the group eventually went on hold during the COVID-19 pandemic.

When it resumed in September 2021, only three members returned to the room.

I was one of them.

I knew then that I wanted to remain part of a community where people affected by cancer could have a place to gather, share their experiences and know they weren't alone.

Turning Guilt Into Purpose

I eventually reached remission during the COVID-19 pandemic, and in June 2023, I was considered cured.

Around that time, I asked our support group leader if he wanted me to help spread the word about the St. Peregrine Cancer Support Group. He said yes, and I took on an unofficial outreach role.

What began as an effort to help others has become one of the most rewarding parts of my life.

Through this work, I've connected with people in the medical and social services fields who care for cancer patients and provide resources to support them. The St. Peregrine Cancer Support Group has continued to grow, and my own life has been enriched along the way.

Looking back, I can see how much guilt shaped the beginning of my cancer journey. I was afraid of what my diagnosis would do to the people I loved.

Today, I have found something different: confidence, connection and even joy in helping other people navigate cancer.

My hope is that anyone facing a cancer diagnosis knows they don't have to face it alone.

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