Shawn Gilley

Ever since I became sick, I have thought about you more and more. I’ve written letters to my family for the time when you eventually win this battle, but I realized that I’ve never written one to you.

I have suppressed you for a long time and lately, you’ve been creeping into my dreams. Every night I dream that there’s this blinding light that suspends me in a paralytic state. I’ve come to realize that you have kept me feeling paralyzed. For a time, it seemed as if you were right at my doorstep, but now, I find myself feeling stuck knowing that you’re closer than I’d like, but maybe just far enough away that I have to think about you constantly. No matter what I do, I know that you’re never too far away.

People think that I’m lucky that I fought you off last year and managed to claw my way back to a somewhat normal life. In many ways, they are absolutely right, and I feel blessed for having more time. But because of the treatments that they used to keep me from you, I now live in constant, horrifying pain. My bones are continuously breaking, collapsing into a war-torn rubble state. I can’t walk, and I can barely move my legs. I can’t play guitar, which has always been my stress outlet as long as I can remember. I used to run at least ten miles a day, and now it takes all of my effort to move from the wheelchair to the chair. I hate you for cascading me into this purgatory where so many of the things that made me who I am are now gone.

Nine years ago, I met someone. She was kind and compassionate and above all else, she made me feel loved and cared for in a way that only family had made me feel before then. Never did I feel smothered or surrounded in a sea of useless drama. Over time, I grew to love her more and more to where I could never fathom a minute of my life without her. I wanted to grow old with her. I wanted a life with her unplagued by your withering gaze. You should know that I will never stop resenting you for creeping in on my time with the undoubtable love of my life. I disdain you for how you constantly were rearing your ugly head in my life. Every time I get bad news, I see you standing in the shadows. I have run out of ways to break this type of news to my family and friends. I simply don’t know what to say. You took that from me. My confidence and optimism. You, like my cancer, slowly creep into my positive outlook and eat away at my purpose in life.

However, as much as I hold you in unending contempt, I also have some reason to thank you. Without you, I would still cling to utterly useless, sometimes petty thoughts that I now have no problem simply brushing off. Because of you, I try to live every day like it could be my last. I make a constant effort to surround myself with family and friends, enjoying every second I get to spend with them. I no longer put things off knowing that you are never too far away. A song that I heard recently pretty much sums up how I feel about you. The sentiment of the song is that I know I will be OK but I will never be the same. No matter how soon you find me, I know that in the meantime I will be alright. But because of you being so near, I will never be the same.

Shawn Gilley

Dear Death

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