Reflecting on My Sister’s Final Days After Years of Unexpected Rebounds

Although my sister was terminally ill for over a decade, her death still came with a certain level of shock. Not just to me, but to those close to her and to those who had been a part of her care team for almost eleven years. Initially diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, her prognosis was not good. Her diagnosis was changed to Hodgkin's lymphoma post-biopsy, and about three months into treatment, we were faced with the news that my sister may not receive the cure we had hoped for.

We walked through so many end-of-life conversations for over ten years, and yet she had always survived. In the spring of 2024, several people had gathered to say their goodbyes. People who loved me came to support me through what we thought were her final days. And again, my sister came back from an unresponsive state and what seemed like the precipice of death and pulled through.

In June of this year, it all felt different. While I had thought I had been there before, this time was somehow not like the rest. Admittedly, a part of my mind still wondered if, again, my sister would rebound. Walking into Denver Hospice felt familiar. When she was sick in 2021, someone I consider a brother, AJ, and I visited, as the plan was to admit her to hospice. It was also a place that I had visited several times to see patients when I was a care provider.

As I walked through the doors on June 30, it was like doing so for the first time. And then, when the door to her room was opened and I saw my sister lying in bed, I knew. As a provider within oncology, I have had the honor of being bedside as patients were transitioning from life to death. And before me lay my sister, in the same place as I had seen so many others: at the end of life due to cancer.

My mother stayed with us for a time, and we met with her care team, but when they left, I asked for some time alone with her. I will keep the words I said to my sister to myself, but I do want to share the thoughts and feelings from that time. Standing beside my sister's bed, all the anticipation of the past almost eleven years came crashing into the reality that literally lay before me.

Everything I had tried to plan for, envision and prepare myself for was shattered, and the moment I had been dreading deep within my soul was happening. All at once, emotions of grief and the loss that I knew was going to occur overwhelmed me, and I stood holding my sister's hand, numb.

It is hard to explain when something that you have spent over a decade anticipating occurs. In so many ways, it was everything that I had dreaded and feared it would be. It was also nothing like I had constructed it to be at the same time. It has been almost five months since my sister's death. Some days feel easier, and other days, I cannot help but go back and replay all that happened, how it happened, and wonder why it could not be different. My mind is still trying to reconcile with the anticipatory grief of her loss, combining with what is, at times, an indigestible reality that my sister did not make another miraculous recovery but rather did finally die from complications of cancer.

This piece reflects the author’s personal experience and perspective. For medical advice, please consult your health care provider.

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