Finding the Words: How to Talk to Someone With Cancer

I was on a work call the other day when someone had inquired about a colleague who is in the middle of cancer treatment. The response from the person who was in the best position to answer the question was, “He’s a trooper; if anyone can make it through, it’s him.”

One could ask why anyone on that call was even aware of my colleague’s situation. But he had opened up to all of us at different points, letting us know about his cancer journey.

When Cancer Becomes Your Identity

I remember being the talk of the office when I was going through my cancer treatment. I had made the decision to keep working and my leadership team was gracious enough to let me try.

I received lots of flowers and cards and well-wishes post-surgery and while I was in treatment. I also received a demotion and a heartwrenching message in a 1:1 meeting with my boss who told me while I was enduring debilitating chemo, “you’re not the person we thought we hired.”

I will never, ever, forget, or forgive, those words.

When chemo ended and Covid waned and I started to feel human again, I pursued and landed a new job in another company. There were many reasons why it was time for me to go, but the core driver was to no longer be known as the colleague with cancer.

I had heard enough words from various co-workers during my time there that tried to deliver comfort, but often were only reminders that I was sick with a scary disease, and they weren’t. In that role at that company, I was never going to be anything other than the person who had cancer.

It was a good decision to leave and over time, I’ve been able to convey my relationship with cancer on my own terms, with select colleagues whom I trust.

Cancer Is Not One Experience

Like my co-worker speaking about our colleague, people who aren’t the patient and/or have never been a cancer patient, often don’t know what to say. I don’t blame them; I sometimes don’t know exactly what to say either.

I think there’s a presumption that when you have cancer, you’re facing an automatic death sentence. But those of us who are survivors know that having cancer isn’t just one thing. It can show its head once and never come back. It can return in different forms and different locations and be successfully eradicated. It can be chronic but survivable.

I wish more people thought about cancer this way.

Sometimes, Listening Is Enough

When I’m engaging with someone with cancer, I give a lot of thought to the words I deliver to them. Whether I’m responding to a social media post or I’m in a direct conversation, I do my best to understand the specifics and the nuance of the patient, and the direction of the dialogue we’re having.

Are they just trying to explain their situation? Are they asking for help? Or do they just need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on?

Having hard conversations like these can be very scary and nobody wants to say the wrong thing. When you’re talking with a cancer patient, fear and discomfort is driving the dialogue from both sides.

Here’s a tip that can help: if you’re not the patient, try your best to meet them where they are, and really, really listen. When you’re able to truly listen, you may find it easier to figure out how best to respond.

Finding the Right Words

Sometimes that means saying absolutely nothing.

Sometimes it calls for “I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.”

Sometimes it’s an anecdote about your own experience without turning the conversation into something about you.

Sometimes it’s asking about the plan.

But it’s never “chin-up” or “you’ve got this.”

Because even with a great prognosis, we’re not always looking for “positivity,” nor do we know for sure that we are going to be OK. The fact is, whatever face we have on, we are scared.

Meeting Patients Where They Are

So I don’t fault my co-worker for saying that our colleague is a trooper who will make it through the battle. His words come from a place of hope and fear, which is a place many cancer patients live in.

I do hope that talking about cancer becomes easier for all of us, and the words we use provide comfort to patients when they need it the most.

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