Four Ovarian Cancer Recurrences Taught Me What Survivorship Really Means

One of the gifts I have received from my ovarian cancer journey has been the opportunity for so many chances to learn how to live. With each chance comes the peeling back of who I was to reveal who I am now, providing me with more wisdom, less pride, and a new lens from which I am able to view the world.

First Chance - Fighting the Good Fight

I entered the war against cancer with an army behind me. I had no real understanding of what lay ahead, only the memory of my mother’s brief cancer battle seventeen years before my own diagnosis.

This new diagnosis taught me how to lean on family and friends. I watched my body be torn down and slowly rebuilt. I saw love and fear reflected in the faces of my children, husband, sister, and friends. Wanting to protect them, I tried to hide my own worries, smiling, persevering, and pushing through even the darkest days. I am not sure that shielding everyone was the best decision, but it was what I could control.

Together, we beat cancer. We celebrated, thanked God, tucked it safely behind us, and moved on.

But I didn’t move on.

Instead, I entered survivorship, learning to live inside a body I no longer trusted, holding gratitude, fear, and anxiety all at once. My quiet grief and worry were drowned out by their joy. No one could hear my whimpering over the celebration.

Second Chance - Despair

Twenty-one months later, cancer returned.

This time, I had the chance to learn something I had resisted before: I was not in control. I never was.

I was furious, consumed by the kind of anger that poisons the world around you. My army of fighters had scattered, and in their absence, heartbreak and depression settled in. Unlike the first time, I knew what was coming, and I wasn’t sure I could endure it again, but I knew I had no choice.

Although I didn’t understand it while I was going through this despair, it gave me the opportunity to understand these dark feelings. I learned that anger can come from our deepest fear. I had the chance to understand forgiveness, forgiving myself and those who disappointed me. I was shown what strength looks like in myself and my loved ones. Because of this darkness, I was able to appreciate the light in a new way.

Third Chance - Is this it?

The third time, cancer came back with a vengeance.

There were many moments that I thought I would not survive. An undetected tumor resisted chemotherapy. Bowel blockages left me in agonizing pain. I had exceeded the number of times I could “safely” receive carboplatin, though desperately needed the chance to continue. The odds were stacked against me.

This experience gave me something unexpected, the chance to let go. Not in despair, but more of a peaceful release. I shed my need for perfection. I worried less about the house being perfect, the meals being perfect, me being perfect (ha!). I cared less about the opinions of others, especially those who were eager to judge.

During this time, I was a fragile version of myself. Too weak to participate in my own life, I had the chance to be an observer. I watched how my husband cared for our daughters and my sister with love and tenderness. I listened to my family and friends talk and laugh, and sometimes whisper and cry. It comforted me to think that this might be how they would continue on when I was gone.

But I was wrong.

It wasn’t the end. Life still had more chances waiting for me.

Fourth Chance - It’s a charm!

So here I am, nine years later and well into my fourth recurrence of cancer and chances continue to pour in.

I have been given the chance to leave work and spend my days enjoying all of the things I love in my life. I have the chance to be present with people, to rest when I am tired, to be grateful for the gifts that I have in my life, and to understand that those gifts are not material things. I have the chance to be bold with my affection, to be scared to do hard things and then to be satisfied that I am still brave enough to take risks. I have the chance to make mistakes and to right those wrongs, to meet new people, to learn new things, to think in new, flexible ways.

The truth is, I have the chance to live a life I may have never known if it weren’t for cancer, and for that I am truly grateful.

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