The Baseball Cap That Made Me Feel Like I Had Cancer Again

One of the side effects of my cancer days is weight gain. Since my first cancer in 2011, I've put on a good (bad?) 35 pounds. I remember being 160 pounds when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Due to inactivity and depression, I put on 15 pounds. More recently, I've added twenty pounds to make a whopping 195 pounds. I remember lying in a hospital bed and two aids moving me by grabbing onto the pad (a draw sheet) underneath me and pulling me so that my head was on the pillow again. This is known in the nursing business as a “draw sheet boost.” As the aids struggled to pull me with the draw sheet, I wondered how I got to be so heavy. Was this really me?

It's now 2026, and as noted, I weigh 195 pounds. Today, I decided that I was going to do something about it. I have a dear friend who is also desiring to lose weight, so I figured that walking together every day was the perfect activity for the two of us.

So my friend Bonnie knocks on my door in a pair of jeans, a black tee shirt, black tennis shoes and a matching black baseball cap with her ponytail hanging out of the hole in the back. In a word, she looked cute. At that moment, I realized that I didn’t own a baseball cap. But it was OK. I could walk anyway.

We walked for about a half hour around my suburban neighborhood. It was hot (about 85 degrees.) I can't say that enjoyed myself. Walking felt like hard work, but I sensed it would get easier. We got back to my house, and I poured us two glasses of ice water. Again, the walking was difficult, but I have to say, I felt marvelous.

After a few minutes, Bonnie left, and I decided to go to Macy's in search of a baseball hat. Long story short, I found one in their Backstage Department, a budget-conscious shopping area of their store. The hat was white with greenish camouflage design on it. I bought it, took it into the store restroom, put my hair into a ponytail and plopped the hat on. I looked at myself, thinking that I'd love the look, as I'd loved my friend's look with her baseball cap.

But no. Horror came across my face. The cap covered all my hair, and the brim stood out over my face, making me look pale. Could it be? I looked exactly like I'd looked when I lost my hair due to cancer in 2011. I LOOKED LIKE I HAD CANCER! Suddenly, all those sickly feelings washed over me, drowning me so that I couldn’t breathe.I quickly removed the cap. Without it, I didn’t look as bad, just pudgy and puffy. (Boy, did I have to lose some weight!)

So what did I do?You would think that I’d put the baseball cap back and leave the store as quickly as possible. But no. I stood there in the sickly hat and made myself get used to the image I saw in the mirror. This is what a cancer patient looked like to me – pudgy, pale and bald – wearing a stupid hat.Could I live with this look?

I needed something to keep the sun out of my eyes.

OK.I’d go with the cancer wear.It was on sale.

I’m wearing the hat now, as I type. I’ve decided that the hat whisks me back in time to the days when the cancer was alive in my body. I’ve decided to make this baseball cap my blogging cap. I’ll put it on when I want to write a story for readers at CURE.

And I’ll also wear it when I go walking with Bonnie.

What did I ever do before this wonderful, magical, useful hat?

I was a lot less physically active and a lot less prolific.

Readers, it’s my lucky day!

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